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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

January 26, 2017 ·

In the Early Hours We Remember {On Gratitude}

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My fingers are itching to write. It feels like it’s been forever, although I know it hasn’t. I suppose creating has become a form of beauty my soul now needs. 

As I sit and nurse my babe, so many thoughts come to mind. I see how loud the world is lately and angry too. I feel torn between wanting to be a change maker in the world, but knowing I’m called first to do it in my home. Again and again, I feel as though when I become overwhelmed with all the hurt and pain in our culture, God gently asks me to lean into my moments rather than the big picture. What a helpful reminder, as I’m too tired to handle much more than making sure tiny people are alive at the end of the day.

As I sit in the almost dark of early dawn, I hear Jude drinking deeply and I look forward to laying him down. For a moment though, I snuggle his cheeks and breathe in his scent. My eyes are heavy now, but I try to take a moment to remember we’ve been waiting to meet him for years.

As I hold him, I can feel how he needs me, but I remember my fiery daughter does too. Parenting is a weighty calling, certainly. As I supposed before his birth, it feels surreal how our hearts expand. I already miss the solo connection with Tia girl–and yet it feels like God allows our love to multiply too. Still, adding a life is a transition, even with heaps of love added in.

Mostly now, in my quiet moments through the day, I’m pondering how much has happened in such a short time. I’m chewing on the humility it requires to love little people well, and really, anyone well. Even now at 7 weeks postpartum, I’m still amazed at the miracle that took place bringing our little Jude into the world and how much support I need to be the parent I would like. For a personality like me, this is something I constantly need to be reminded of: I don’t have to do it alone.

As with my daughter, I’m confronted with how difficult parenting can be. And I’m faced again with the enormity of my limits and my strength. I don’t mean those words with a shred of pity or arrogance. Rather, I feel grateful for the resources God has given me for this time–mostly himself.

But, also a husband who loves me well in the midst of raging postpartum hormones and little sleep. I’ve watched my mom and in-laws with their willingness to love us in this transition, and it has been a balm. We’ve experienced sweet friends who know my story–my vulnerabilities–and they check in with me often.  We’ve had folks love us through meals and gifts and presence. We’re so grateful. 

All these things keep me rooted as we navigate the hard beautiful of parenting. And so tonight, we will do it again. When my body feels weary or my heart is tired; I will call these things to mind. I will remember how I’m loved, how we’re loved.

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Previous Post: « When You Don’t Want Your Word {My #OneWord365}
Next Post: Learning to Abide {Guest Post for the Glorious Table} »
When we don’t center survivors—it matters. It can When we don’t center survivors—it matters. It can change the trajectory of someone’s healing.
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One of the reasons I emphasize offering as much agency as possible in places where I have influence (like writing, speaking, & therapy), is because experiences of powerlessness are a core component of trauma,* and so often, people are re-traumatized when they try to get help and heal. 
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And yet, we cannot heal a wound the way it was created. Where agency was stolen or taken, it must be returned & restored for there to be repair.
🌿
Centering survivors matters. And healing must take a different path than harm. May it be so. #StayWithYourself 
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*Including but not limited to developmental, spiritual, relational, sexual, medical, racial, and more
#trysofter #cptsd #stronglikewater #healanyway
Sending all my love to trauma survivors today. Tak Sending all my love to trauma survivors today. Take extra care. And as my friend @sarahcarterwest says, I’m keeping my candle lit with you.🕯️❤️‍🩹
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #selfcompassion #loveyourneighborASYourself #cptsd
This particular lament has been on the tip of my l This particular lament has been on the tip of my lips for months now, but as news like the Cornell 7 & profound allegations of abuse are uncovered in Christian spaces—I wanted to write and share it now. #StayWithYourself #TrySofter #PrayersOfATraumaSurvivor 
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(Dedicated to Jane Doe, and each person who has been harmed by institution betrayal).
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**Dr. Jennifer Freyd coined the term institutional betrayal and it is when “a trusted organization or system harms an individual who depends on it, or fails to prevent and properly respond to wrongdoings committed within its context.” She notes the opposite of institutional betrayal is institutional courage.** 
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Selah.
For all the times you’ve shamed yourself, thinking For all the times you’ve shamed yourself, thinking it would somehow heal you, I see you. 
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May compassion be your portion. 🙏
(As always, take what you need)
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #TakeWhatYouNeed #Beloved
I still can’t believe all the love from my announc I still can’t believe all the love from my announcement of “Stay With Yourself.” 😭🕯️Thank you, thank you, thank you. What an absolute honor. Truly.
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As your week ends, I wonder if any of these resonate? As always, take what you need.🫶🏻 #StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #fawning #cptsd 
(You can pre-order “Stay With Yourself” wherever books are sold. Links in my profile 📕)
Eeeeeee! I am SO excited to finally share my newes Eeeeeee! I am SO excited to finally share my newest offering, this work of my heart: 
“Stay With Yourself: A Soft & Fierce Invitation to Unlearn Pleasing, Performing, & Keeping the Peace—And Live From Your Truest, God-Given Center”(releasing March, 9th, 2027🎉)
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Whew, this book has been a long time coming. I first wrote about fawning & how we brilliantly survive relational trauma by leaving ourselves (especially by overaccomodating, self abandonment, appeasing, and keeping the peace) back in “Try Softer” (2020). The truth is though, I always knew there was more for me to say. Because fawning is often the engine for so much suffering for relational trauma survivors—and in truth, so much of my own suffering; I knew there would come a time I would write this very book. I wasn’t ready then, but I’m ready now. 
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And so, this is a book about how elemental our relationships are, at every stage, but especially in childhood—and what happens when we have to leave ourselves to survive.
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This is a book about the way fawning keeps us alive (thank God) & connected to relationships that we perceive are necessary for our survival, but can come to feel like suffocating chains if we don’t have enough safety to unlearn it.
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This is a book about how regularly Christian spaces conflate the fawn survival response of overaccomodating, self-abandonment, & appeasement for Jesus’ call toward healthy generosity and self-giving. It’s also about the ways this misunderstanding is often purposely weaponized to facilitate compliance & silence, especially from the most vulnerable. 
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This is a book about what happens when we don’t have access to the solidness and truth of who God made us to be; our Self. It’s about the ways it changes the very essence of our internal organization, our ability to heal, & how we show up in the world.
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Ultimately, this is also a loveletter—about what it means to build the capacity to do something different; to finally feel the healthy anger, grief, & clarity we must feel to live in alignment—and stay with our God-given selves {I would be so honored if you would consider pre-ordering! You can find the link in my profile and in stories 🕯️🕯️🕯️}
Fawning is a relational trauma response to relatio Fawning is a relational trauma response to relational trauma. It requires us to lose ourselves, so we don’t lose relationships that are essential for our safety and survival. 
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And because this trauma deeply ruptures our relationship to ourselves; our own body — the healing must always include and repair how we relate to ourselves, too.
May it be so.
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(p.s. I have a huge announcement related to this coming out next week, if you’re not subscribed to my email list, I’d love to have you!)🌿 (link in stories or at substack.com/@aundikolber)
#fawning #cptsd #trysofter #stronglikewater
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