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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

April 22, 2015 ·

The Bitter and the Sweet

Uncategorized

There’s something about traveling that stirs me. I feel alive and connected and alone all at once.

Recently we took a trip where we saw family and vacationed at the same time. This was significant for us because we don’t live near any relatives and we very much enjoy seeing them. Both my husband and I highly value our families and constantly struggle with the tension of living almost smack dab in between Oregon and Illinois.

Our trip was a gloriously chaotic time, which makes sense when you combine a 3 year old with a theme park, missed naps and long flights. But it was special for our little family; restorative, fun and hopeful. Time away always gives me much needed perspective on our life and journey and I have been craving that for a while now. But the detail I always forget is how bittersweet it can be.  

It’s hard for me to put my finger on the longing that I feel when I travel, especially after seeing people who are so dear to me. But of course, the inability to articulate it doesn’t change the reality. I felt it most poignantly this trip when I said goodbye to my younger brother at the airport.

After rushed travelling, car sickness and logistics were figured out, the weight of a goodbye sat on my chest in the humid Orlando departure lane. As I faced the reality that I won’t get to see him again soon, the lump in my throat began to form and my eyes burn as the parting comes too quick. When we hugged, I let myself feel sad because I was. But I felt that sadness at the same time I felt immensely grateful, because I was.  I love my brother, and his wife and my in laws…and I wish it didn’t always end too soon.

This experience reminded me of each precious connection that I wish I had the energy, resources and time to foster and grow.

And that’s the crux of the thing. I don’t have all the energy, time and resources and so I don’t get to be there for all the things I would like.

I wish I could go visit each of my ten nieces and nephews, especially the newest twin girls.

I wish my daughter’s grandparents could see every new change as she transforms under my eyes.  

I wish my siblings and sibling in laws could come over for Sunday dinner and hang out on our patio.

And I wish I could have hugged my mom on her birthday.

But the thing I’ve been noticing is that even if we all lived in some weird tight little bubble where we were connected at the hip, we would probably still have some of this feeling. It’s the feeling that things will continue to change and grow no matter what and you can’t stop it.

So whether you live across the country or down the street from your precious people, you probably know this feeling. We all will face it at some point, some just more frequently than others.

But when I’m tempted to just crawl in a cave and walk away from the connections that are bittersweet, because let’s be honest— feeling those feelings isn’t always easy—I remember that the bitter offsets the sweet. That protecting myself from the bitter actually causes me to numb the sweet. We can’t dull one set of feelings. We either feel the whole spectrum, or we get to feel nothing.

So I choose to feel it all.

I choose to recognize that while I don’t have all of the time energy and resources, I do have some. So I’ll do my best to steward that well and love well, and live fully right in the place God has me; because I don’t want to miss a thing.  

 

Linking up this week over at: 3dlessons4life

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It’s really hard to experience God as safe when yo It’s really hard to experience God as safe when you’re taught theology that defends abusers and abandons the abused.
🌿
May there be a repair for every untruth that has facilitated your harm.
🌿
May your healing come. 🙏
(As always take what you need). #StayWithYourself 
#TrySofter #LoveYourNeighborASYourself #religioustrauma survivor-centered trauma-informed
Being able to name our experience is so helpful & Being able to name our experience is so helpful & important, but with the fawn response—it can start to feel suffocating to know about what we’re experiencing and feel like we can’t change it. 
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And yet, we can learn to work “with” our fawn response; living from our Center instead of survival. #staywithyourself #trysofter #stronglikewater #cptsd
If it resonates, it’s for you. May you have what y If it resonates, it’s for you. May you have what you need to stay with yourself.🕯️#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #LoveyourneighborASYourself #StronglikeWater #TakeWhatYouNeed
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Fawn, fawn response, cPTSD, healing, nervous system, religious trauma, attachment trauma, alignment, faith and mental health
A huge congrats to my dear friend, @chuckdegroat o A huge congrats to my dear friend, @chuckdegroat on the release of his newest offering, “Who You’re Becoming: The Slow and Courageous Work of Cultivating Character in a Narcissistic Age.” This is a phenomenally timely book, written by someone who works to embody what he writes. I was honored to endorse it. Here’s what I said:
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“In the midst of our unmoored, image obsessed culture, Dr. Chuck DeGroat offers us the grounding wisdom we so often forget: God is with us as we become ourselves. With kindness and deft insight, DeGroat leads us through the practical, courageous, and often slow work required to cultivate maturity and true character. In so doing, Who You’re Becoming serves as a powerful and needed guide for anyone wanting to go beyond a try-hard faith or mere surface level change—so they can deepen into their truest, beloved selves.”
Aundi Kolber MA, LPC
Therapist & Author of Try Softer and Strong like Water
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Congrats, Chuck! You can find “Who You’re Becoming” wherever books are sold (link in stories or check out an excerpt on my substack today—also in stories 🎉)
#WhoYoureBecoming
There can be so much valid grief that comes from l There can be so much valid grief that comes from losing relationships while you heal.*
🍁 
But if you have to choose between keeping a relationship & keeping you—l hope you choose you.
🍁
God does not abandon you, & you don’t have to abandon yourself either. Selah. 
(As always, take what you need 🕯️)
#StayWithYourself #Fawning #TrySofter #Cptsd #narcissticabuse 
🍁
Need more resources & insight? You can pre-order my newest offering, “Stay With Yourself,” that addresses exactly these issues (link in profile).
🍁
*For example, from setting healthy boundaries, advocating for yourself, or being unwilling to participate in toxic dynamics.
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 Boundaries | embodied boundaries | interpersonal trauma | relationships | self compassion | integrating faith and mental health
Importantly, we don’t regulate to bypass valid emo Importantly, we don’t regulate to bypass valid emotions around injustice or harm一but rather so we can access the clarity to live in alignment even amidst intensity.
🌿 
And so may you find Ground that holds you steady.
#StayWithYourself #StronglikeWater #TrySofter #regulation #LoveYourNeighborASYourself
May your healing come. 🪴🫶🏻✨ #StayWithYourself #Try May your healing come. 🪴🫶🏻✨
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #HealAnyway #TakeWhatYouNee
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Fawn | trauma | trauma resolution | cPTSD | religious trauma | nervous system | attachment trauma | complex trauma | grief | faith and mental health | self compassion | compassionate attention
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