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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

April 22, 2015 ·

The Bitter and the Sweet

Uncategorized

There’s something about traveling that stirs me. I feel alive and connected and alone all at once.

Recently we took a trip where we saw family and vacationed at the same time. This was significant for us because we don’t live near any relatives and we very much enjoy seeing them. Both my husband and I highly value our families and constantly struggle with the tension of living almost smack dab in between Oregon and Illinois.

Our trip was a gloriously chaotic time, which makes sense when you combine a 3 year old with a theme park, missed naps and long flights. But it was special for our little family; restorative, fun and hopeful. Time away always gives me much needed perspective on our life and journey and I have been craving that for a while now. But the detail I always forget is how bittersweet it can be.  

It’s hard for me to put my finger on the longing that I feel when I travel, especially after seeing people who are so dear to me. But of course, the inability to articulate it doesn’t change the reality. I felt it most poignantly this trip when I said goodbye to my younger brother at the airport.

After rushed travelling, car sickness and logistics were figured out, the weight of a goodbye sat on my chest in the humid Orlando departure lane. As I faced the reality that I won’t get to see him again soon, the lump in my throat began to form and my eyes burn as the parting comes too quick. When we hugged, I let myself feel sad because I was. But I felt that sadness at the same time I felt immensely grateful, because I was.  I love my brother, and his wife and my in laws…and I wish it didn’t always end too soon.

This experience reminded me of each precious connection that I wish I had the energy, resources and time to foster and grow.

And that’s the crux of the thing. I don’t have all the energy, time and resources and so I don’t get to be there for all the things I would like.

I wish I could go visit each of my ten nieces and nephews, especially the newest twin girls.

I wish my daughter’s grandparents could see every new change as she transforms under my eyes.  

I wish my siblings and sibling in laws could come over for Sunday dinner and hang out on our patio.

And I wish I could have hugged my mom on her birthday.

But the thing I’ve been noticing is that even if we all lived in some weird tight little bubble where we were connected at the hip, we would probably still have some of this feeling. It’s the feeling that things will continue to change and grow no matter what and you can’t stop it.

So whether you live across the country or down the street from your precious people, you probably know this feeling. We all will face it at some point, some just more frequently than others.

But when I’m tempted to just crawl in a cave and walk away from the connections that are bittersweet, because let’s be honest— feeling those feelings isn’t always easy—I remember that the bitter offsets the sweet. That protecting myself from the bitter actually causes me to numb the sweet. We can’t dull one set of feelings. We either feel the whole spectrum, or we get to feel nothing.

So I choose to feel it all.

I choose to recognize that while I don’t have all of the time energy and resources, I do have some. So I’ll do my best to steward that well and love well, and live fully right in the place God has me; because I don’t want to miss a thing.  

 

Linking up this week over at: 3dlessons4life

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Relational trauma & abuse often teaches us that we Relational trauma & abuse often teaches us that we can either choose authenticity or belonging—but not both. In these dynamics, folks often learn they must hyperattune, overaccomodate, overfunction and/or walk on eggshells to remain in relationships. We do this to stay connected to harmful caregivers, primary relationships and/or to exist in systems we depend on for survival; and this makes sense. Sometimes we have to do whatever is necessary to survive. 
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As Dr. Gabor Mate writes, “People have two needs: Attachment and authenticity. And when authenticity threatens attachment; attachment trumps authenticity.”
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The consequence of having to disown and leave ourselves are profound—and yet, we can learn to find the way home to our God-given, resilient, fragile and Beloved selves. May it be so. #trysofter #stronglikewater #beloved #fawning #cptsd
A blessing of sorts for you today. As always, take A blessing of sorts for you today. As always, take what you need. 
#trysofter #stronglikewater #cptsd #selfcompassion #healanyway
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An ongoing shout out to Dr. Kristin Neff for her work around self-compassion. 🫶🏻
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IC: hand over heart // May you interrupt shame with self-compassion
Sometimes poetry (such as from the legendary Mary Sometimes poetry (such as from the legendary Mary Oliver), helps capture truth in a way psychology struggles to fully articulate. The reality of what it feels like to thaw the pain we hold can be difficult to put words to, but this from Mary has been so meaningful to me:
🌿
“We shake with joy,
we shake with grief.
What a time they have, these two
housed as they are in the same body.”
-Mary Oliver, We Shake With Joy
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Sending love.🌿
#trysofter #stronglikewater #takewhatyouneed #traumaresolution #cptsd
Me. Him. 19 years of marriage. I have such profoun Me. Him. 19 years of marriage. I have such profound gratitude for our love and the life, God helping us, we’ve created. Sometimes, against all odds. 
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But here we are, still choosing each other; choosing us. The goodness of God in the land of the living.
🌿
Thank you for all the ways you’ve helped me find home again, B. Happy anniversary, my love. @bckolber
#trysofter #stronglikewater
Not me geeking out because my words are on @insigh Not me geeking out because my words are on @insighttimer today (just kidding, I’m totally geeking out 🙃🥹)
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Fun fact, Insight Timer has been a huge resource in my personal work toward self-compassion and mindfulness, particularly practices with Sarah Blondin.
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Thanks @stephpoe1 & @hkoxhandler for making sure I didn’t miss it ✨🫶🏻✨
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And thanks @insighttimer for the shout out.🌿
#trysofter #stronglikewater #insighttimer #cptsd #trauma
In case no one’s ever told you: I honor what it co In case no one’s ever told you: I honor what it cost you to know what you know.❤️‍🔥❤️‍🩹
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May your healing come.🌿
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#trysofter #stronglikewater #beloved #traumaresolution #cptsd
Such an important quote from @diane.langberg — and Such an important quote from @diane.langberg — and I might add, that it’s not only in churches, but in non-profits, families, parachurch ministries, goverments, NGO’s, the publishing industry, and any systems where we don’t consciously and actively make it safe for survivors to speak up. 
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As Dr. Jennifer Freyd notes regarding institutional courage: “We must cherish the whistleblowers.” Indeed. 
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And to the survivors: I honor you. I’m sorry you’ve had to be so strong. ❤️‍🩹
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May you be surprised by the mystery of healing. 🌿
#trysofter #stronglikewater #cptsd #healanyway #traumaresolution
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