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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

May 5, 2015 ·

To My Girl…

Uncategorized

As many of you know, my theme word for the year is “notice.” So as we approach Mother’s Day, I have taken extra care to notice the gift (and often the hardships too), that come with being a mom. This letter comes from that place. Enjoy XO.


My darling T, 

This morning we went to a pre-school and had our very first tour. At first you couldn’t wait for me to drop you off but by the time we arrived you already had said, “please stay with me mom. I don’t want you to leave.” As we walked around, your chubby little hands clutched mine, but I also saw you smile at all the new kiddos and the interesting class pets they had.  And now you are in the other room sleeping soundly. I love watching you sleep. It’s the time when daddy sometimes has to keep me from crawling into bed with you. You have no idea how many times after you have fallen asleep that I stare at your monitor and admire the little person that you are. I love you so.

This morning was a bit hard, what with several wardrobe changes, tantrums and the craziness of leaving the house before seeing the school, but I wish I could pause where you are right now. It causes my heart to ache as I watch your little body growing bigger every day.

When you were younger, I really didn’t understand how fast you would change. And now I do. One day you look at me and all you can say is ‘ma-ma’ and the next you say, “mom, I think we should pray for daddy.” And I know I sound like every other stereotypical mom, but it’s so beautifully bittersweet to watch you grow. It’s only bitter because I so badly want to cherish this season of your life, and sometimes I worry that I’m not doing a good enough job.

And sometimes that’s true. T, I’m sorry for the times when I’m tired or distracted or hungry and I don’t give you what you need.

But, I think it’s important for you to also know that I will never be perfect, and that’s why I am so glad you know about Jesus. He is so good, and even though I will always do my best for you, I want you to know that He loves you even more than Mom and Dad. He will never leave you and He is the best Hope. It is so worth it to trust him, my girl. I hope you’ll hide that in your heart.

My sweet girl, I am also writing this because I am so excited for you to start school, but I am also a little sad. Mostly because I know that the changes will just continue to get bigger, and someday you won’t need me like you need me now. That’s a good thing! But you are such a gift to daddy and me. I couldn’t ask for more in my life. I am so ecstatic about the person you are and also the person you are becoming. Your imagination is wild and I love that about you. I love seeing your interest in the world and the tenderness of your heart. I am so grateful that God chose me to be your mom and I want you to know that it is the great honor of my life.

With all my heart,

Mom

 

Linking up this week at:  Intentionally Pursuing , Sue Detweiler, Simplified Life and Purposeful Faith

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Previous Post: « To the Ones Who Want to Give Up
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Comments

  1. Crystal Storms says

    May 8, 2015 at 5:16 pm

    Aundi, I love that you are noticing and embracing each season with your little "T." Thank you for sharing your heart at #IntentionalTuesday on Intentionally Pursuing. : )

    • Andrea Kolber says

      May 11, 2015 at 2:22 pm

      Thanks so much, Crystal!

When we don’t center survivors—it matters. It can When we don’t center survivors—it matters. It can change the trajectory of someone’s healing.
🌿
One of the reasons I emphasize offering as much agency as possible in places where I have influence (like writing, speaking, & therapy), is because experiences of powerlessness are a core component of trauma,* and so often, people are re-traumatized when they try to get help and heal. 
🌿
And yet, we cannot heal a wound the way it was created. Where agency was stolen or taken, it must be returned & restored for there to be repair.
🌿
Centering survivors matters. And healing must take a different path than harm. May it be so. #StayWithYourself 
.

*Including but not limited to developmental, spiritual, relational, sexual, medical, racial, and more
#trysofter #cptsd #stronglikewater #healanyway
Sending all my love to trauma survivors today. Tak Sending all my love to trauma survivors today. Take extra care. And as my friend @sarahcarterwest says, I’m keeping my candle lit with you.🕯️❤️‍🩹
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #selfcompassion #loveyourneighborASYourself #cptsd
This particular lament has been on the tip of my l This particular lament has been on the tip of my lips for months now, but as news like the Cornell 7 & profound allegations of abuse are uncovered in Christian spaces—I wanted to write and share it now. #StayWithYourself #TrySofter #PrayersOfATraumaSurvivor 
.
(Dedicated to Jane Doe, and each person who has been harmed by institution betrayal).
.
**Dr. Jennifer Freyd coined the term institutional betrayal and it is when “a trusted organization or system harms an individual who depends on it, or fails to prevent and properly respond to wrongdoings committed within its context.” She notes the opposite of institutional betrayal is institutional courage.** 
.
Selah.
For all the times you’ve shamed yourself, thinking For all the times you’ve shamed yourself, thinking it would somehow heal you, I see you. 
🌿
May compassion be your portion. 🙏
(As always, take what you need)
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #TakeWhatYouNeed #Beloved
I still can’t believe all the love from my announc I still can’t believe all the love from my announcement of “Stay With Yourself.” 😭🕯️Thank you, thank you, thank you. What an absolute honor. Truly.
🌿
As your week ends, I wonder if any of these resonate? As always, take what you need.🫶🏻 #StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #fawning #cptsd 
(You can pre-order “Stay With Yourself” wherever books are sold. Links in my profile 📕)
Eeeeeee! I am SO excited to finally share my newes Eeeeeee! I am SO excited to finally share my newest offering, this work of my heart: 
“Stay With Yourself: A Soft & Fierce Invitation to Unlearn Pleasing, Performing, & Keeping the Peace—And Live From Your Truest, God-Given Center”(releasing March, 9th, 2027🎉)
🌿
Whew, this book has been a long time coming. I first wrote about fawning & how we brilliantly survive relational trauma by leaving ourselves (especially by overaccomodating, self abandonment, appeasing, and keeping the peace) back in “Try Softer” (2020). The truth is though, I always knew there was more for me to say. Because fawning is often the engine for so much suffering for relational trauma survivors—and in truth, so much of my own suffering; I knew there would come a time I would write this very book. I wasn’t ready then, but I’m ready now. 
🌿
And so, this is a book about how elemental our relationships are, at every stage, but especially in childhood—and what happens when we have to leave ourselves to survive.
🌿
This is a book about the way fawning keeps us alive (thank God) & connected to relationships that we perceive are necessary for our survival, but can come to feel like suffocating chains if we don’t have enough safety to unlearn it.
🌿
This is a book about how regularly Christian spaces conflate the fawn survival response of overaccomodating, self-abandonment, & appeasement for Jesus’ call toward healthy generosity and self-giving. It’s also about the ways this misunderstanding is often purposely weaponized to facilitate compliance & silence, especially from the most vulnerable. 
🌿
This is a book about what happens when we don’t have access to the solidness and truth of who God made us to be; our Self. It’s about the ways it changes the very essence of our internal organization, our ability to heal, & how we show up in the world.
🌿
Ultimately, this is also a loveletter—about what it means to build the capacity to do something different; to finally feel the healthy anger, grief, & clarity we must feel to live in alignment—and stay with our God-given selves {I would be so honored if you would consider pre-ordering! You can find the link in my profile and in stories 🕯️🕯️🕯️}
Fawning is a relational trauma response to relatio Fawning is a relational trauma response to relational trauma. It requires us to lose ourselves, so we don’t lose relationships that are essential for our safety and survival. 
.
And because this trauma deeply ruptures our relationship to ourselves; our own body — the healing must always include and repair how we relate to ourselves, too.
May it be so.
🌿
(p.s. I have a huge announcement related to this coming out next week, if you’re not subscribed to my email list, I’d love to have you!)🌿 (link in stories or at substack.com/@aundikolber)
#fawning #cptsd #trysofter #stronglikewater
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