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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

May 5, 2015 ·

To My Girl…

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As many of you know, my theme word for the year is “notice.” So as we approach Mother’s Day, I have taken extra care to notice the gift (and often the hardships too), that come with being a mom. This letter comes from that place. Enjoy XO.


My darling T, 

This morning we went to a pre-school and had our very first tour. At first you couldn’t wait for me to drop you off but by the time we arrived you already had said, “please stay with me mom. I don’t want you to leave.” As we walked around, your chubby little hands clutched mine, but I also saw you smile at all the new kiddos and the interesting class pets they had.  And now you are in the other room sleeping soundly. I love watching you sleep. It’s the time when daddy sometimes has to keep me from crawling into bed with you. You have no idea how many times after you have fallen asleep that I stare at your monitor and admire the little person that you are. I love you so.

This morning was a bit hard, what with several wardrobe changes, tantrums and the craziness of leaving the house before seeing the school, but I wish I could pause where you are right now. It causes my heart to ache as I watch your little body growing bigger every day.

When you were younger, I really didn’t understand how fast you would change. And now I do. One day you look at me and all you can say is ‘ma-ma’ and the next you say, “mom, I think we should pray for daddy.” And I know I sound like every other stereotypical mom, but it’s so beautifully bittersweet to watch you grow. It’s only bitter because I so badly want to cherish this season of your life, and sometimes I worry that I’m not doing a good enough job.

And sometimes that’s true. T, I’m sorry for the times when I’m tired or distracted or hungry and I don’t give you what you need.

But, I think it’s important for you to also know that I will never be perfect, and that’s why I am so glad you know about Jesus. He is so good, and even though I will always do my best for you, I want you to know that He loves you even more than Mom and Dad. He will never leave you and He is the best Hope. It is so worth it to trust him, my girl. I hope you’ll hide that in your heart.

My sweet girl, I am also writing this because I am so excited for you to start school, but I am also a little sad. Mostly because I know that the changes will just continue to get bigger, and someday you won’t need me like you need me now. That’s a good thing! But you are such a gift to daddy and me. I couldn’t ask for more in my life. I am so ecstatic about the person you are and also the person you are becoming. Your imagination is wild and I love that about you. I love seeing your interest in the world and the tenderness of your heart. I am so grateful that God chose me to be your mom and I want you to know that it is the great honor of my life.

With all my heart,

Mom

 

Linking up this week at:  Intentionally Pursuing , Sue Detweiler, Simplified Life and Purposeful Faith

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Previous Post: « To the Ones Who Want to Give Up
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Comments

  1. Crystal Storms says

    May 8, 2015 at 5:16 pm

    Aundi, I love that you are noticing and embracing each season with your little "T." Thank you for sharing your heart at #IntentionalTuesday on Intentionally Pursuing. : )

    • Andrea Kolber says

      May 11, 2015 at 2:22 pm

      Thanks so much, Crystal!

These are for you, if they resonate✨❤️‍🩹✨ #TakeWha These are for you, if they resonate✨❤️‍🩹✨
#TakeWhatYouNeed #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #cptsd #Beloved
Some of you may know from my writing and speaking Some of you may know from my writing and speaking that in addition to being a trauma therapist, I am a long-term survivor of Narcissistic abuse and Complex PTSD. Today, I felt moved to share this reflection from a few years ago that I’ve adapted a bit as I’ve continued in my own work (and I’ll be sharing more layers of my story & the complexity involved with it in my upcoming book.❤️‍🩹❤️❤️‍🔥)
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But for now: if this is part of your story too, I honor that in the same way the wounding is complicated, so, too, can the healing be. There is no shame there. The repair must match the rupture.❤️‍🩹 And yet, even if healing is complicated—you are so worthy of it. Sending love. #cptsd #narcissticabuse #trysofter #stronglikewater #grief
Healing is such wildly brave work. And when you’ve Healing is such wildly brave work. And when you’ve learned to leave yourself to survive—the return can be terrifying and yet deeply satisfying all at the same time. May you experience repair in every way you need. 
// As always take what you need.
#Beloved #TrySofter #LoveYourNeighborASYourself #StronglikeWater #fawning
Oh, hi, hello—it’s been a minute since I’ve been h Oh, hi, hello—it’s been a minute since I’ve been here. Sometimes my body & spirit tell me it’s time to take a longer break, and though I care deeply about this work—practicing what I preach matters to me even more. I’m not quite ready to enter back in more regularly, but until then, I thought I’d leave a few things I’ve been chewing on. What resonates with you? I’d love to hear. 🌿 (As always, take what you need)
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And may you, in the way and the pace you’re able—have access to the rest you need.🫶🏻
#trysofter #stronglikewater #beloved #loveyourneighborASyourself #cptsd
Leaving this blessing here // take what you need.🫶 Leaving this blessing here // take what you need.🫶🏻#PrayersOfATraumaSurvivor 
#trysofter #stronglikewater #beloved #loveyourneighborasyourself
Relational trauma & abuse often teaches us that we Relational trauma & abuse often teaches us that we can either choose authenticity or belonging—but not both. In these dynamics, folks often learn they must hyperattune, overaccomodate, overfunction and/or walk on eggshells to remain in relationships. We do this to stay connected to harmful caregivers, primary relationships and/or to exist in systems we depend on for survival; and this makes sense. Sometimes we have to do whatever is necessary to survive. 
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As Dr. Gabor Mate writes, “People have two needs: Attachment and authenticity. And when authenticity threatens attachment; attachment trumps authenticity.”
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The consequence of having to disown and leave ourselves are profound—and yet, we can learn to find the way home to our God-given, resilient, fragile and Beloved selves. May it be so. #trysofter #stronglikewater #beloved #fawning #cptsd
A blessing of sorts for you today. As always, take A blessing of sorts for you today. As always, take what you need. 
#trysofter #stronglikewater #cptsd #selfcompassion #healanyway
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An ongoing shout out to Dr. Kristin Neff for her work around self-compassion. 🫶🏻
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IC: hand over heart // May you interrupt shame with self-compassion
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