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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

July 28, 2015 ·

Risky {The Art of Being Known}

Uncategorized

She put her hand on my shoulder and said, “I hear you. I’ve felt that too.” 

And I knew, in the core of my core, she meant it.

As we stood there in our sweaty workout clothes, with tiny little people swarming the playground, I felt her solidarity. My breathing slowed and my shoulders released. I could feel my inner self strengthen as I began to realize that I wasn’t alone; this dear friend created space for me to let down my guard and feel safe to unload my stuff. I hadn’t realized that I’d been feeling defensive, always ready for someone to critique my feelings or perspective. I didn’t realize it until I was with someone who felt so safe that I could just bring myself. 

Some of us, if we’re fortunate, have our “people.” 

You know, the ones you call when you don’t know who else to call? They are the folks who will have the tough conversations with you; the brave souls willing to engage all the questions, not just the easy ones. 

These are the people who love you when you’re put together and love you just as gently and fiercely when life has fallen apart. They simply love. 

It’s easy though, in this frantic world of ours, to forget that when we have those sweet people we are truly blessed. Often they don’t hold our hearts perfectly, but they sure do show up for the holding anyway. What a gift. 

**

And then there’s those of us who drift. 

We feel unmoored and unanchored. We hide our stories and our faces because it’s too vulnerable to let ourselves be seen. 

I’ve been there too.

I’ve had great chunks of life where I felt disconnected and outside of the circle. Everyone else seemingly invited to a party and I never got the RSVP. In those times my understanding of love was so performance based that allowing folks to know my real heart frightened me. 

Where do we start when we’re those people?

Where do we go when relational hurt marks us? 

I find that to create change, we have to challenge ourselves with this question, what am I willing to risk? 

Am I willing to risk some discomfort to have a greater sense of being known? 

Am I willing to risk messiness so that I may go to the parts of my heart that I can’t travel to alone? 

Shauna Niequist speaks to this idea beautifully in her book Cold Tangerines: 

“True friendship is a sacred, important thing, and it happens when we drop down into that deeper level of who we are, when we cross over in the broken fragile parts of ourselves. We have to give something up in order to get friendship like that. We have to give up our need to be perceived as perfect. ”

All of us step into this risky business, the work of being known and loved. It can be scary and hard and beautiful.

And just when when my cynic heart wonders if I can’t do this alone, wonders if maybe I can’t be independent, isolated and self reliant…I realize I don’t want to be. Because the value of being known and seen and loved in spite of and because of who I am is worth it. 

Every hour, every day, every year I learn this: we are better together than we could ever be alone. 


How about you? What have you had to risk to find your people? 

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Previous Post: « When You Want to Fix Someone {But You’d Rather Love Them} Pt 2
Next Post: When You Choose to Breathe {You May Find Life} »

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Comments

  1. Andrea Stunz says

    July 29, 2015 at 2:06 am

    You’re singing my song. I have a love/hate relationship with risk when it comes to matters of the heart. This post is truth. Hard truth, but truth nonetheless.

    • Andrea Kolber says

      July 29, 2015 at 7:08 pm

      I always appreciate your thoughtful comments, Andrea. Yes, I’m there with you, this is hard stuff. I’m grateful for little opportunities to grow together. Thanks for dropping by.

When we don’t center survivors—it matters. It can When we don’t center survivors—it matters. It can change the trajectory of someone’s healing.
🌿
One of the reasons I emphasize offering as much agency as possible in places where I have influence (like writing, speaking, & therapy), is because experiences of powerlessness are a core component of trauma,* and so often, people are re-traumatized when they try to get help and heal. 
🌿
And yet, we cannot heal a wound the way it was created. Where agency was stolen or taken, it must be returned & restored for there to be repair.
🌿
Centering survivors matters. And healing must take a different path than harm. May it be so. #StayWithYourself 
.

*Including but not limited to developmental, spiritual, relational, sexual, medical, racial, and more
#trysofter #cptsd #stronglikewater #healanyway
Sending all my love to trauma survivors today. Tak Sending all my love to trauma survivors today. Take extra care. And as my friend @sarahcarterwest says, I’m keeping my candle lit with you.🕯️❤️‍🩹
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #selfcompassion #loveyourneighborASYourself #cptsd
This particular lament has been on the tip of my l This particular lament has been on the tip of my lips for months now, but as news like the Cornell 7 & profound allegations of abuse are uncovered in Christian spaces—I wanted to write and share it now. #StayWithYourself #TrySofter #PrayersOfATraumaSurvivor 
.
(Dedicated to Jane Doe, and each person who has been harmed by institution betrayal).
.
**Dr. Jennifer Freyd coined the term institutional betrayal and it is when “a trusted organization or system harms an individual who depends on it, or fails to prevent and properly respond to wrongdoings committed within its context.” She notes the opposite of institutional betrayal is institutional courage.** 
.
Selah.
For all the times you’ve shamed yourself, thinking For all the times you’ve shamed yourself, thinking it would somehow heal you, I see you. 
🌿
May compassion be your portion. 🙏
(As always, take what you need)
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #TakeWhatYouNeed #Beloved
I still can’t believe all the love from my announc I still can’t believe all the love from my announcement of “Stay With Yourself.” 😭🕯️Thank you, thank you, thank you. What an absolute honor. Truly.
🌿
As your week ends, I wonder if any of these resonate? As always, take what you need.🫶🏻 #StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #fawning #cptsd 
(You can pre-order “Stay With Yourself” wherever books are sold. Links in my profile 📕)
Eeeeeee! I am SO excited to finally share my newes Eeeeeee! I am SO excited to finally share my newest offering, this work of my heart: 
“Stay With Yourself: A Soft & Fierce Invitation to Unlearn Pleasing, Performing, & Keeping the Peace—And Live From Your Truest, God-Given Center”(releasing March, 9th, 2027🎉)
🌿
Whew, this book has been a long time coming. I first wrote about fawning & how we brilliantly survive relational trauma by leaving ourselves (especially by overaccomodating, self abandonment, appeasing, and keeping the peace) back in “Try Softer” (2020). The truth is though, I always knew there was more for me to say. Because fawning is often the engine for so much suffering for relational trauma survivors—and in truth, so much of my own suffering; I knew there would come a time I would write this very book. I wasn’t ready then, but I’m ready now. 
🌿
And so, this is a book about how elemental our relationships are, at every stage, but especially in childhood—and what happens when we have to leave ourselves to survive.
🌿
This is a book about the way fawning keeps us alive (thank God) & connected to relationships that we perceive are necessary for our survival, but can come to feel like suffocating chains if we don’t have enough safety to unlearn it.
🌿
This is a book about how regularly Christian spaces conflate the fawn survival response of overaccomodating, self-abandonment, & appeasement for Jesus’ call toward healthy generosity and self-giving. It’s also about the ways this misunderstanding is often purposely weaponized to facilitate compliance & silence, especially from the most vulnerable. 
🌿
This is a book about what happens when we don’t have access to the solidness and truth of who God made us to be; our Self. It’s about the ways it changes the very essence of our internal organization, our ability to heal, & how we show up in the world.
🌿
Ultimately, this is also a loveletter—about what it means to build the capacity to do something different; to finally feel the healthy anger, grief, & clarity we must feel to live in alignment—and stay with our God-given selves {I would be so honored if you would consider pre-ordering! You can find the link in my profile and in stories 🕯️🕯️🕯️}
Fawning is a relational trauma response to relatio Fawning is a relational trauma response to relational trauma. It requires us to lose ourselves, so we don’t lose relationships that are essential for our safety and survival. 
.
And because this trauma deeply ruptures our relationship to ourselves; our own body — the healing must always include and repair how we relate to ourselves, too.
May it be so.
🌿
(p.s. I have a huge announcement related to this coming out next week, if you’re not subscribed to my email list, I’d love to have you!)🌿 (link in stories or at substack.com/@aundikolber)
#fawning #cptsd #trysofter #stronglikewater
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