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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

September 26, 2016 ·

When What You Have to Give is Small but Valuable

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Back in the day, I went to business school. It’s hard to picture it now, because most ideas capturing my interest have to do with people, spirituality, psychology and growth. It’s not that business isn’t important or necessary; it’s just not what lights my fire.

But, I digress.

When I was in business school at Pacific Lutheran University, there is one particular term I learned from economics that has always stuck with me: opportunity cost.

Maybe you’ve heard this before, maybe not. But it’s essentially referring to the loss we experience when we choose to do “A” instead of “B.” For example, if I say I want to spend my $5.00 on a Pumpkin Spice latte, it means I can’t use the same $5.00 to buy a breakfast burrito (admittedly, this is a pretty tough decision). Either there has to be more money or I have to choose what I’d rather have. Thus, the opportunity cost is what we give up when we make a choice.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot in my own life.

I’m not sure if you’re one of those people who feels a pull to do everything. I’m not sure if you feel passionate about multiple issues. I don’t know what makes you tick. Maybe you are a bottomless well of energy and time.

But I can tell you about my heartbeat and how God made me. I feel deeply about a number of issues. You can usually tell because my cheeks get all rosy red and I feel like I have about a million thoughts. I also have a desire to be excellent when I choose to do something, and it can be frustrating when I’m not. I sometimes have the sense if I can just do one more thing, it will make a huge impact. 

And yet as I’ve grown, I’ve learned the actual amount I have to contribute to the world is fairly small. I am so very finite. 

Please hear me when I say each of our contributions and the work God has for us is significant. But it’s still just a tiny little drop in the bucket of our world. In a planet with seemingly insurmountable need—I’m just one person.

And because of this reality, I want my contribution, my legacy—the thing I choose to do with my time and talent–to actually matter. I don’t want it flittered away on random details that don’t actually make any difference.

I don’t want to use the energy I could have spent loving my family well on organizing my dishes. I don’t want to use the tiny sliver of time I have for writing to read a magazine I don’t even enjoy.

It’s simply not worth it.  

And this is where I’ve begun to think about opportunity cost again. If I admit I can’t do everything, then I must also admit that my yeses show my priorities. And when I say yes to things that are for the wrong reasons, or don’t matter, or because I want to please someone else—well, what I’m doing is admitting that important, relevant pieces of my life aren’t actually as important as I say.

On some level, I think we all know this. We know if we spend our time (or money, or resources or energy) in one place, we don’t necessarily have it to spend in another. But we excel at ignoring this truth, don’t you think?

And so what I’m chewing on— slowly and deliberately— is recognizing what I have to give, and valuing it enough to spend it where it matters most. 

For me, it’s memories not stuff. It’s people not money. It’s presence not striving. 

It’s remembering what I have to give is small but valuable. And so I must choose to spend it well.

Join me?

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Previous Post: « Defined by Our Focus {Not Our Lack}
Next Post: Let Yourself Rest at the Table {Contributing at The Glorious Table} »
It’s really hard to experience God as safe when yo It’s really hard to experience God as safe when you’re taught theology that defends abusers and abandons the abused.
🌿
May there be a repair for every untruth that has facilitated your harm.
🌿
May your healing come. 🙏
(As always take what you need). #StayWithYourself 
#TrySofter #LoveYourNeighborASYourself #religioustrauma survivor-centered trauma-informed
Being able to name our experience is so helpful & Being able to name our experience is so helpful & important, but with the fawn response—it can start to feel suffocating to know about what we’re experiencing and feel like we can’t change it. 
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And yet, we can learn to work “with” our fawn response; living from our Center instead of survival. #staywithyourself #trysofter #stronglikewater #cptsd
If it resonates, it’s for you. May you have what y If it resonates, it’s for you. May you have what you need to stay with yourself.🕯️#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #LoveyourneighborASYourself #StronglikeWater #TakeWhatYouNeed
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Fawn, fawn response, cPTSD, healing, nervous system, religious trauma, attachment trauma, alignment, faith and mental health
A huge congrats to my dear friend, @chuckdegroat o A huge congrats to my dear friend, @chuckdegroat on the release of his newest offering, “Who You’re Becoming: The Slow and Courageous Work of Cultivating Character in a Narcissistic Age.” This is a phenomenally timely book, written by someone who works to embody what he writes. I was honored to endorse it. Here’s what I said:
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“In the midst of our unmoored, image obsessed culture, Dr. Chuck DeGroat offers us the grounding wisdom we so often forget: God is with us as we become ourselves. With kindness and deft insight, DeGroat leads us through the practical, courageous, and often slow work required to cultivate maturity and true character. In so doing, Who You’re Becoming serves as a powerful and needed guide for anyone wanting to go beyond a try-hard faith or mere surface level change—so they can deepen into their truest, beloved selves.”
Aundi Kolber MA, LPC
Therapist & Author of Try Softer and Strong like Water
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Congrats, Chuck! You can find “Who You’re Becoming” wherever books are sold (link in stories or check out an excerpt on my substack today—also in stories 🎉)
#WhoYoureBecoming
There can be so much valid grief that comes from l There can be so much valid grief that comes from losing relationships while you heal.*
🍁 
But if you have to choose between keeping a relationship & keeping you—l hope you choose you.
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God does not abandon you, & you don’t have to abandon yourself either. Selah. 
(As always, take what you need 🕯️)
#StayWithYourself #Fawning #TrySofter #Cptsd #narcissticabuse 
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Need more resources & insight? You can pre-order my newest offering, “Stay With Yourself,” that addresses exactly these issues (link in profile).
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*For example, from setting healthy boundaries, advocating for yourself, or being unwilling to participate in toxic dynamics.
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 Boundaries | embodied boundaries | interpersonal trauma | relationships | self compassion | integrating faith and mental health
Importantly, we don’t regulate to bypass valid emo Importantly, we don’t regulate to bypass valid emotions around injustice or harm一but rather so we can access the clarity to live in alignment even amidst intensity.
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And so may you find Ground that holds you steady.
#StayWithYourself #StronglikeWater #TrySofter #regulation #LoveYourNeighborASYourself
May your healing come. 🪴🫶🏻✨ #StayWithYourself #Try May your healing come. 🪴🫶🏻✨
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #HealAnyway #TakeWhatYouNee
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Fawn | trauma | trauma resolution | cPTSD | religious trauma | nervous system | attachment trauma | complex trauma | grief | faith and mental health | self compassion | compassionate attention
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