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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

September 13, 2016 ·

Defined by Our Focus {Not Our Lack}

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“The car goes where the eyes go.” -Garth Stein

Every once in awhile, I read a book and the words stick with me long after.  “The Art of Racing In the Rain” by Garth Stein was one of those books and the quote above is from that literary gem. If you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor and check it out.

The context of the above quote is regarding driving a race car and understanding that on a track, where a car goes at a ridiculously fast speed, the driver’s eyes will cause the car to go wherever their focus is. So if the driver’s eyes are on the guard rail they’ll probably crash there, but if they are on the next piece of track, then that’s where the car will go.

Guess which focus tends to be most helpful?

I often use the above analogy with clients and even in my own life, because the application of this principle goes far beyond the race track and keeping a car moving toward the best target. I believe there is much truth for us today.

We live in a fast paced, intense world where it is often easier to define yourself by who you are not, than who you actually are.

It takes work to find out what piece of “race track” you should be focusing on. There is often more support to model what NOT to do, than the inverse. 

Does this sound familiar? 

I am not that kind of person.

We are not that kind of family.

We are not that kind of church.

We are not that kind of country.

So who am I? Who are we?

This is not an easy question to answer. We don’t necessarily wake up one day and recognize exactly what is behind these questions or the answer to them. 

But here is what I do know: it is not effective to focus on what we are running away from in order to change who we are. 

So how do we move on from this? I believe one of the most essential lessons from this simple concept is to quiet our soul and search out what is/could be our focus.

And, oh, is it worth it.

It’s in this quiet place our Creator speaks to us and gives us the gift of purpose, belonging, and hope. I love how the author of Hebrews puts this idea of where to focus here: 

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith…”

— Hebrews 12:2a, NASB 

The author of Hebrews is modeling for us this very idea. He’s saying you’re defined by your focus, not your lack. We are now defined by who Jesus is, not who we aren’t. 

And while Jesus is the big idea of the above verse, ultimately there’s a trickle down effect for other principles in life as well. Meaning, it’s always helpful to focus on the actual goal rather than the possible pitfalls.

So wherever you are in your life today, I pray you would have the courage to look up from your fears and focus on your calling. 


Post updated from archives. 

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Pam Ecrement says

    September 14, 2016 at 1:23 am

    How very true and written so very well! Thanks for sharing this. It fits well with some of what I have been posting in a current series. Have a blessed day!

    • Andrea Kolber says

      September 16, 2016 at 3:32 pm

      Hi Pam! Thanks so much for your encouragement! I’ve enjoyed reading your blog too!

  2. Bethany Donham says

    September 14, 2016 at 1:47 pm

    This is so good I’ve read it twice! Thanks so much for sharing and for the very important reminder to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.

    • Andrea Kolber says

      September 16, 2016 at 3:31 pm

      Thank you for your kind words and for reading, Bethany!

It’s really hard to experience God as safe when yo It’s really hard to experience God as safe when you’re taught theology that defends abusers and abandons the abused.
🌿
May there be a repair for every untruth that has facilitated your harm.
🌿
May your healing come. 🙏
(As always take what you need). #StayWithYourself 
#TrySofter #LoveYourNeighborASYourself #religioustrauma survivor-centered trauma-informed
Being able to name our experience is so helpful & Being able to name our experience is so helpful & important, but with the fawn response—it can start to feel suffocating to know about what we’re experiencing and feel like we can’t change it. 
.
And yet, we can learn to work “with” our fawn response; living from our Center instead of survival. #staywithyourself #trysofter #stronglikewater #cptsd
If it resonates, it’s for you. May you have what y If it resonates, it’s for you. May you have what you need to stay with yourself.🕯️#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #LoveyourneighborASYourself #StronglikeWater #TakeWhatYouNeed
.
Fawn, fawn response, cPTSD, healing, nervous system, religious trauma, attachment trauma, alignment, faith and mental health
A huge congrats to my dear friend, @chuckdegroat o A huge congrats to my dear friend, @chuckdegroat on the release of his newest offering, “Who You’re Becoming: The Slow and Courageous Work of Cultivating Character in a Narcissistic Age.” This is a phenomenally timely book, written by someone who works to embody what he writes. I was honored to endorse it. Here’s what I said:
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“In the midst of our unmoored, image obsessed culture, Dr. Chuck DeGroat offers us the grounding wisdom we so often forget: God is with us as we become ourselves. With kindness and deft insight, DeGroat leads us through the practical, courageous, and often slow work required to cultivate maturity and true character. In so doing, Who You’re Becoming serves as a powerful and needed guide for anyone wanting to go beyond a try-hard faith or mere surface level change—so they can deepen into their truest, beloved selves.”
Aundi Kolber MA, LPC
Therapist & Author of Try Softer and Strong like Water
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Congrats, Chuck! You can find “Who You’re Becoming” wherever books are sold (link in stories or check out an excerpt on my substack today—also in stories 🎉)
#WhoYoureBecoming
There can be so much valid grief that comes from l There can be so much valid grief that comes from losing relationships while you heal.*
🍁 
But if you have to choose between keeping a relationship & keeping you—l hope you choose you.
🍁
God does not abandon you, & you don’t have to abandon yourself either. Selah. 
(As always, take what you need 🕯️)
#StayWithYourself #Fawning #TrySofter #Cptsd #narcissticabuse 
🍁
Need more resources & insight? You can pre-order my newest offering, “Stay With Yourself,” that addresses exactly these issues (link in profile).
🍁
*For example, from setting healthy boundaries, advocating for yourself, or being unwilling to participate in toxic dynamics.
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 Boundaries | embodied boundaries | interpersonal trauma | relationships | self compassion | integrating faith and mental health
Importantly, we don’t regulate to bypass valid emo Importantly, we don’t regulate to bypass valid emotions around injustice or harm一but rather so we can access the clarity to live in alignment even amidst intensity.
🌿 
And so may you find Ground that holds you steady.
#StayWithYourself #StronglikeWater #TrySofter #regulation #LoveYourNeighborASYourself
May your healing come. 🪴🫶🏻✨ #StayWithYourself #Try May your healing come. 🪴🫶🏻✨
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #HealAnyway #TakeWhatYouNee
.

Fawn | trauma | trauma resolution | cPTSD | religious trauma | nervous system | attachment trauma | complex trauma | grief | faith and mental health | self compassion | compassionate attention
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