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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

January 28, 2015 ·

Acquainted With Grief

Uncategorized

I don’t remember the first time I felt alone in pain and wrong for feeling it, but I can tell you there have been many times in my life that it’s been true. That isn’t to say that I haven’t been loved or supported in painful and difficult situations, but it is to say that in general people don’t know what to do with it.

I have also found this basic principle to be true in the work that I do as a counselor. Most folks are so very tired and weary from feeling alone and misunderstood. We humans are fragile creatures and we tend to shy away from the messy stuff, especially if it can’t be fixed.

And if anything on this earth is messy, it is pain.

I don’t care what caused it, once you begin experiencing it there is usually no ‘band aid’ relief. Typically, true acceptance and healing only comes with allowing the God-given process of grief to run its course. 

However, often in our need to keep things looking “clean” (from the perspective of the supporter), we end up invalidating the person experiencing the pain or running them over with the “three easy steps” to feeling better.  I believe this is because we desperately want each person to be well, but we are intimidated by their pain and grief and thus feel we cannot help. Sadly, at just the time when being supported feels the most necessary that tends to be when a person feels most alone.

I believe this is one of the central experiences that keep people, even and especially Christians, feeling isolated.  

Recently in church, I re-heard this verse referring to Jesus…“He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces, he was despised, and we esteemed him not.” Isaiah 53:3

…from whom men hide their faces? Wow, talk about being isolated while in pain. 

 And yet, when I heard this my heart wanted to slowly exhale and cry at the same time. It causes me to think of all my experiences of deep grief, isolation and criticism. There is shame and sorrow that grows in the belief that we are not worth connection.

The thing about our human experience is that we so often feel alone in it. This drives us to do a lot of things that we usually end up regretting. It can drive us to create false relationships with others because we believe that fake connection is better than none at all. It can cause us to believe we need to perform or act “good enough” to be loved.  This is because we were made to be known. We were made to share our journey with others, but in an authentic way. This is one of the core things we need as people.

So as I reflect on the verse from Isaiah, my heart is deeply encouraged. Isaiah was prophesying regarding a future savior that would experience these things. Amazingly, Jesus did come and go through these hardships. And because of these hardships and his death on the cross, he allowed each of us the opportunity to be made right with God. I am so grateful that Jesus came and bore this pain. And, I believe that there are important theological implications from his sacrifice.

But there are relational implications, too.

He joined us. Please don’t miss this. He did not remain separate and far off. He jumped into the mess and valued us enough to know our experience. Jesus has known the kind of pain that you and I have. When the author of Hebrews says “we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses” (Hebrews 4:15), this is what he is saying.

Where do we go with this? I believe there are two important pieces. First, please don’t be afraid to empathize with the pain of another. Know that there is only one Savior, but when we choose to enter into the experience of another, we show great love and we honor their experience. 

Second, WE ARE SO VALUABLE that he chose to endure pain, sorrow and grief FOR US. Dear one, you are known by Him and you are loved. I pray you would breathe this in today. 

 

How about you? Can you think of a time in your life when someone really joined you in a hard place? 

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  1. Amy van Horn says

    January 29, 2015 at 2:52 am

    There was a time when I had 4 kids ages 1.5- 10 and I my husband was living in a different state for a year and it was so hard to take care of all those little people and make dinner and do homework and drive places and I didn’t know anyone. God blessed me with the most amazing person who helped with all those things and we danced, sang, laughed and even skied and rollerbladed around a mountain! And now I am so lucky along with all these readers to get a glimpse at the heart of that girl again and be blessed in this moment by your beautiful love for us and The Lord!
    Love you Aundi, thanks for everything!

    • Andrea Kolber says

      January 29, 2015 at 3:35 am

      Amy, thank you for your encouraging words…such a gift to me tonight. It is amazing to reflect on that season with you…little did we know what fruit would come from it. I am so grateful for your friendship. love you! Aundi

  2. Leah Kaihoi Everson says

    January 29, 2015 at 5:31 pm

    Isaiah 53:3 was on a t-shirt I saw this weekend and I wanted to look it up, but forgot. Wow. If anything, I am encouraged that He understands. He knows our struggles. And I am hopeful, because He came to lift us up, to comfort us in grief, to set us free (Isaiah 61). Thank you for writing.

    • Andrea Kolber says

      January 29, 2015 at 7:01 pm

      Leah, amen…I agree that the thing I am most thankful for is His presence with us in our struggles. What a gracious God to join us in that place. For me it causes me to trust Him all the more and to know that He will heal in the process, too. Thanks for your comments and reading!

When we don’t center survivors—it matters. It can When we don’t center survivors—it matters. It can change the trajectory of someone’s healing.
🌿
One of the reasons I emphasize offering as much agency as possible in places where I have influence (like writing, speaking, & therapy), is because experiences of powerlessness are a core component of trauma,* and so often, people are re-traumatized when they try to get help and heal. 
🌿
And yet, we cannot heal a wound the way it was created. Where agency was stolen or taken, it must be returned & restored for there to be repair.
🌿
Centering survivors matters. And healing must take a different path than harm. May it be so. #StayWithYourself 
.

*Including but not limited to developmental, spiritual, relational, sexual, medical, racial, and more
#trysofter #cptsd #stronglikewater #healanyway
Sending all my love to trauma survivors today. Tak Sending all my love to trauma survivors today. Take extra care. And as my friend @sarahcarterwest says, I’m keeping my candle lit with you.🕯️❤️‍🩹
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #selfcompassion #loveyourneighborASYourself #cptsd
This particular lament has been on the tip of my l This particular lament has been on the tip of my lips for months now, but as news like the Cornell 7 & profound allegations of abuse are uncovered in Christian spaces—I wanted to write and share it now. #StayWithYourself #TrySofter #PrayersOfATraumaSurvivor 
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(Dedicated to Jane Doe, and each person who has been harmed by institution betrayal).
.
**Dr. Jennifer Freyd coined the term institutional betrayal and it is when “a trusted organization or system harms an individual who depends on it, or fails to prevent and properly respond to wrongdoings committed within its context.” She notes the opposite of institutional betrayal is institutional courage.** 
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Selah.
For all the times you’ve shamed yourself, thinking For all the times you’ve shamed yourself, thinking it would somehow heal you, I see you. 
🌿
May compassion be your portion. 🙏
(As always, take what you need)
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #TakeWhatYouNeed #Beloved
I still can’t believe all the love from my announc I still can’t believe all the love from my announcement of “Stay With Yourself.” 😭🕯️Thank you, thank you, thank you. What an absolute honor. Truly.
🌿
As your week ends, I wonder if any of these resonate? As always, take what you need.🫶🏻 #StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #fawning #cptsd 
(You can pre-order “Stay With Yourself” wherever books are sold. Links in my profile 📕)
Eeeeeee! I am SO excited to finally share my newes Eeeeeee! I am SO excited to finally share my newest offering, this work of my heart: 
“Stay With Yourself: A Soft & Fierce Invitation to Unlearn Pleasing, Performing, & Keeping the Peace—And Live From Your Truest, God-Given Center”(releasing March, 9th, 2027🎉)
🌿
Whew, this book has been a long time coming. I first wrote about fawning & how we brilliantly survive relational trauma by leaving ourselves (especially by overaccomodating, self abandonment, appeasing, and keeping the peace) back in “Try Softer” (2020). The truth is though, I always knew there was more for me to say. Because fawning is often the engine for so much suffering for relational trauma survivors—and in truth, so much of my own suffering; I knew there would come a time I would write this very book. I wasn’t ready then, but I’m ready now. 
🌿
And so, this is a book about how elemental our relationships are, at every stage, but especially in childhood—and what happens when we have to leave ourselves to survive.
🌿
This is a book about the way fawning keeps us alive (thank God) & connected to relationships that we perceive are necessary for our survival, but can come to feel like suffocating chains if we don’t have enough safety to unlearn it.
🌿
This is a book about how regularly Christian spaces conflate the fawn survival response of overaccomodating, self-abandonment, & appeasement for Jesus’ call toward healthy generosity and self-giving. It’s also about the ways this misunderstanding is often purposely weaponized to facilitate compliance & silence, especially from the most vulnerable. 
🌿
This is a book about what happens when we don’t have access to the solidness and truth of who God made us to be; our Self. It’s about the ways it changes the very essence of our internal organization, our ability to heal, & how we show up in the world.
🌿
Ultimately, this is also a loveletter—about what it means to build the capacity to do something different; to finally feel the healthy anger, grief, & clarity we must feel to live in alignment—and stay with our God-given selves {I would be so honored if you would consider pre-ordering! You can find the link in my profile and in stories 🕯️🕯️🕯️}
Fawning is a relational trauma response to relatio Fawning is a relational trauma response to relational trauma. It requires us to lose ourselves, so we don’t lose relationships that are essential for our safety and survival. 
.
And because this trauma deeply ruptures our relationship to ourselves; our own body — the healing must always include and repair how we relate to ourselves, too.
May it be so.
🌿
(p.s. I have a huge announcement related to this coming out next week, if you’re not subscribed to my email list, I’d love to have you!)🌿 (link in stories or at substack.com/@aundikolber)
#fawning #cptsd #trysofter #stronglikewater
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