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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

August 18, 2015 ·

For the Love Series {Book Launch and A Giveaway}

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For months now, I’ve been trying to figure out my favorite part of Jen Hatmaker’s new book, “For the Love.” It’s been nearly 6 months since I was asked to be on the launch team and it feels like a whirlwind experience. Part of the reason is because I’ve had the opportunity to be part of an amazing community we call the #500. I blogged about the experience here and I continue to be amazed by it. 

And then, after I read the book (the first time) I wrote this post regarding healthy boundaries and saying ‘no.’  This is what Jen refers to as having a “balanced beam.” And that general theme is still pretty high up on my favs list. But the truth is, as of this moment I’m still trying to figure out exactly what I love the most. It’s not that there aren’t exceptional parts (there are).

It’s that there are so many.

But because today is launch day and I believe this book is fabulous, I’m going to give my favorite pieces a shot.

**

As a counselor, I have a particular propensity to listen closely when a Christian leader discusses principles around self-care, boundaries, parenting and relationships. This is because there’s a whole heap of terrible advice out there. We hear suggestions like: Be better, ignore it, try harder, pray exactly this way, or even buy this one thing and your life will be perfect. 

Hogwash.

Or, as Jen would say, “Horsecrappery.” 

These thoughts are usually well-intentioned, but they frequently come from a place of ignorance, privilege, and poor theology. Additionally, I think they add to the well of shame that so many of us can get stuck in. Most importantly, these little gems are lacking because they focus on our own actions versus the ultimate life giver of change and perspective.

 Photo Credit: Bethany Beams

Photo Credit: Bethany Beams

We all have a responsibility in our actions and life, but unless we recognize our need to weave grace into every nook and cranny of our existence, our actions will fall flat.

This is what Jen does so well in “For the Love,” she models this fragrant grace that we all so desperately want and need. She proposes that we can’t go wrong with integrating love and grace in all things. 

We can’t love God too much, or people, or kiddos, or our spouses, our churches or even ourselves. It’s always a win to love well.

True life giving love is the result of who we become as Christians. And, when we know Jesus, it’s as if we have access to the well that doesn’t run dry.

Sure, there can be particular ways to love each other well, but we never succeed by throwing in a heaping dose of judgment or control or worry.

Jen says it so well here:

“God measures our entire existence by only two things: How we love Him and how we love people. If you get this right, you can get a million other things wrong “ (pg 66).

And so dear readers, may I just say to you, this book is worth your time. Jen weaves in her love of Jesus within her love of people in each and every page. Sometimes you’ll snort as she discusses why leggings aren’t pants and sometimes you’ll bawl when she talks about the way she loves her kiddos, but you’ll know she is with you and for you. 


Interested in reading “For the Love”? Leave me a comment and tell me why you’d like to read it or sign up for my email list (for 2 entries)! I’ll pick a winner by Friday, August 21st. Check back here on Friday to see who won! 

 

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Previous Post: « When You Choose to Breathe {You May Find Life}
Next Post: Hurts So Good {On Learning to Stay With It} »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Ashley Scott says

    August 18, 2015 at 7:44 pm

    Such an elegant post. You have such a rational and loving way of tying our Christian walk to real life. I am not the biggest Jen fan, but I’d love for this book to be the one that changes my opinion…and I’m a huge Aundi fan, so if you like it this much I probably will too!

    • Andrea Kolber says

      August 19, 2015 at 6:22 pm

      Ashley, you are so gracious! Thank you friend for your kind words and I do believe this book could make you a Jen fan.

      • Andrea Kolber says

        August 22, 2015 at 1:12 pm

        Ashley, congrats on winning the book giveaway!

  2. Kelly Ivey Johnson says

    August 18, 2015 at 11:15 pm

    LOVE your post and love your writing, as usual. Don’t enter me in the contest, as I already own 10 and I’m also trying to give them away :-), but just wanted you to know that I think you nailed it! See you soon!

    • Andrea Kolber says

      August 19, 2015 at 6:22 pm

      You are such an encouragement to me Kelly! It has been a pleasure to be on the launch team with you!

  3. Rebecca Katzer says

    August 19, 2015 at 5:24 am

    "We all have a responsibility in our actions and life, but unless we recognize our need to weave grace into every nook and cranny of our existence, our actions will fall flat."

    I needed this today. Thanks, friend.

    • Andrea Kolber says

      August 19, 2015 at 6:23 pm

      You are so very welcome. Thank you for reading and saying hello!

When we don’t center survivors—it matters. It can When we don’t center survivors—it matters. It can change the trajectory of someone’s healing.
🌿
One of the reasons I emphasize offering as much agency as possible in places where I have influence (like writing, speaking, & therapy), is because experiences of powerlessness are a core component of trauma,* and so often, people are re-traumatized when they try to get help and heal. 
🌿
And yet, we cannot heal a wound the way it was created. Where agency was stolen or taken, it must be returned & restored for there to be repair.
🌿
Centering survivors matters. And healing must take a different path than harm. May it be so. #StayWithYourself 
.

*Including but not limited to developmental, spiritual, relational, sexual, medical, racial, and more
#trysofter #cptsd #stronglikewater #healanyway
Sending all my love to trauma survivors today. Tak Sending all my love to trauma survivors today. Take extra care. And as my friend @sarahcarterwest says, I’m keeping my candle lit with you.🕯️❤️‍🩹
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #selfcompassion #loveyourneighborASYourself #cptsd
This particular lament has been on the tip of my l This particular lament has been on the tip of my lips for months now, but as news like the Cornell 7 & profound allegations of abuse are uncovered in Christian spaces—I wanted to write and share it now. #StayWithYourself #TrySofter #PrayersOfATraumaSurvivor 
.
(Dedicated to Jane Doe, and each person who has been harmed by institution betrayal).
.
**Dr. Jennifer Freyd coined the term institutional betrayal and it is when “a trusted organization or system harms an individual who depends on it, or fails to prevent and properly respond to wrongdoings committed within its context.” She notes the opposite of institutional betrayal is institutional courage.** 
.
Selah.
For all the times you’ve shamed yourself, thinking For all the times you’ve shamed yourself, thinking it would somehow heal you, I see you. 
🌿
May compassion be your portion. 🙏
(As always, take what you need)
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #TakeWhatYouNeed #Beloved
I still can’t believe all the love from my announc I still can’t believe all the love from my announcement of “Stay With Yourself.” 😭🕯️Thank you, thank you, thank you. What an absolute honor. Truly.
🌿
As your week ends, I wonder if any of these resonate? As always, take what you need.🫶🏻 #StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #fawning #cptsd 
(You can pre-order “Stay With Yourself” wherever books are sold. Links in my profile 📕)
Eeeeeee! I am SO excited to finally share my newes Eeeeeee! I am SO excited to finally share my newest offering, this work of my heart: 
“Stay With Yourself: A Soft & Fierce Invitation to Unlearn Pleasing, Performing, & Keeping the Peace—And Live From Your Truest, God-Given Center”(releasing March, 9th, 2027🎉)
🌿
Whew, this book has been a long time coming. I first wrote about fawning & how we brilliantly survive relational trauma by leaving ourselves (especially by overaccomodating, self abandonment, appeasing, and keeping the peace) back in “Try Softer” (2020). The truth is though, I always knew there was more for me to say. Because fawning is often the engine for so much suffering for relational trauma survivors—and in truth, so much of my own suffering; I knew there would come a time I would write this very book. I wasn’t ready then, but I’m ready now. 
🌿
And so, this is a book about how elemental our relationships are, at every stage, but especially in childhood—and what happens when we have to leave ourselves to survive.
🌿
This is a book about the way fawning keeps us alive (thank God) & connected to relationships that we perceive are necessary for our survival, but can come to feel like suffocating chains if we don’t have enough safety to unlearn it.
🌿
This is a book about how regularly Christian spaces conflate the fawn survival response of overaccomodating, self-abandonment, & appeasement for Jesus’ call toward healthy generosity and self-giving. It’s also about the ways this misunderstanding is often purposely weaponized to facilitate compliance & silence, especially from the most vulnerable. 
🌿
This is a book about what happens when we don’t have access to the solidness and truth of who God made us to be; our Self. It’s about the ways it changes the very essence of our internal organization, our ability to heal, & how we show up in the world.
🌿
Ultimately, this is also a loveletter—about what it means to build the capacity to do something different; to finally feel the healthy anger, grief, & clarity we must feel to live in alignment—and stay with our God-given selves {I would be so honored if you would consider pre-ordering! You can find the link in my profile and in stories 🕯️🕯️🕯️}
Fawning is a relational trauma response to relatio Fawning is a relational trauma response to relational trauma. It requires us to lose ourselves, so we don’t lose relationships that are essential for our safety and survival. 
.
And because this trauma deeply ruptures our relationship to ourselves; our own body — the healing must always include and repair how we relate to ourselves, too.
May it be so.
🌿
(p.s. I have a huge announcement related to this coming out next week, if you’re not subscribed to my email list, I’d love to have you!)🌿 (link in stories or at substack.com/@aundikolber)
#fawning #cptsd #trysofter #stronglikewater
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