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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

August 25, 2015 ·

Hurts So Good {On Learning to Stay With It}

Uncategorized

I could feel the burn in my legs, as my quadriceps seemed to be on fire. Sweat would drip down off my eyebrows, but still we stayed with it. Each of my teammates doing their best to tough out a difficult part of practice.

And so we did: Breathe in, breathe out, push, groan, push, and finally the glorious whistle that would tell us we could break.

Wall sits were one of my least favorite parts of basketball practice, but for folks who needed strong legs to be successful they were terribly necessary.

I vividly remember the point at which it felt like my legs would give out. But then something amazing happened, they didn’t. Almost like finding a new room within myself, I constantly was learning that I had more to give. Some days I knew how to get to rooms where my energy and inspiration lived, but some days felt like a maze where I knew there was an ending, but didn’t have any idea where it was.

Truth be told, I don’t do wall sits much anymore.

But I still use the principal that I learned from those practices. Everyday in life, there are times that I just don’t want to do what needs to be done. No, I’m not a huge fan of uncomfortable. It might be talking though a difficult issue with my husband or being the one to ask about the loss or looking a homeless person in the eye and asking how they’re doing.

But if I can lean in, and find the resources to stay in that hard place, beautiful things can grow.

**

I also learned another important piece from walls sits and basketball practice. There is a difference between pain that means something is wrong vs. pain that means I’m growing.

And that’s important, with this type of burn.

We have to pay attention to the type of discomfort we’re feeling. Because I’ll tell you what, a fractured foot felt a whole lot different than legs that were tired. One made my legs and body strong, and the other caused me to sit on the bench because I was broken for a while.

So in order for us to do this work of leaning in, physically or emotionally, we must pay attention. Ultimately, the proof of our actions is in the result it brings.

A great example is in relationships. It can be painful to talk about topics that are uncomfortable but necessary, and yet when done appropriately it can cause our relationships to flourish.

And just like our body, there is a difference between engaging in relationships that are abusive or toxic, versus ones which are in process and working to be better.

It is always worthwhile to assess and ask, which type of pain is this?

**

I think back to the burn of those wall sits and I remember, that what didn’t seem possible actually was.

I believe God is gracious to us in those hard places and joins us there in our valleys and in the thin places of life. I have learned that He is my fuel and my best resource for the confusing and even the intolerable places. He is the filler of the parts of me that appear weakest.

And so as we pay attention to the areas of our life that seem uncomfortable and hard and messy, may I invite you to ask God to meet you there? To know that whatever may come, you are loved and that He is our highest good and resource by which you can lean in?

Join me there?

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Previous Post: « For the Love Series {Book Launch and A Giveaway}
Next Post: Setting It Straight {3 Ways to Live Well Now} »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Crystal Santos says

    August 25, 2015 at 7:00 pm

    Love this Aundi <3 So true!! I will join you there!

    • Andrea Kolber says

      August 26, 2015 at 1:54 am

      Thank you, Crystal! I appreciate you!

It’s really hard to experience God as safe when yo It’s really hard to experience God as safe when you’re taught theology that defends abusers and abandons the abused.
🌿
May there be a repair for every untruth that has facilitated your harm.
🌿
May your healing come. 🙏
(As always take what you need). #StayWithYourself 
#TrySofter #LoveYourNeighborASYourself #religioustrauma survivor-centered trauma-informed
Being able to name our experience is so helpful & Being able to name our experience is so helpful & important, but with the fawn response—it can start to feel suffocating to know about what we’re experiencing and feel like we can’t change it. 
.
And yet, we can learn to work “with” our fawn response; living from our Center instead of survival. #staywithyourself #trysofter #stronglikewater #cptsd
If it resonates, it’s for you. May you have what y If it resonates, it’s for you. May you have what you need to stay with yourself.🕯️#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #LoveyourneighborASYourself #StronglikeWater #TakeWhatYouNeed
.
Fawn, fawn response, cPTSD, healing, nervous system, religious trauma, attachment trauma, alignment, faith and mental health
A huge congrats to my dear friend, @chuckdegroat o A huge congrats to my dear friend, @chuckdegroat on the release of his newest offering, “Who You’re Becoming: The Slow and Courageous Work of Cultivating Character in a Narcissistic Age.” This is a phenomenally timely book, written by someone who works to embody what he writes. I was honored to endorse it. Here’s what I said:
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“In the midst of our unmoored, image obsessed culture, Dr. Chuck DeGroat offers us the grounding wisdom we so often forget: God is with us as we become ourselves. With kindness and deft insight, DeGroat leads us through the practical, courageous, and often slow work required to cultivate maturity and true character. In so doing, Who You’re Becoming serves as a powerful and needed guide for anyone wanting to go beyond a try-hard faith or mere surface level change—so they can deepen into their truest, beloved selves.”
Aundi Kolber MA, LPC
Therapist & Author of Try Softer and Strong like Water
.
Congrats, Chuck! You can find “Who You’re Becoming” wherever books are sold (link in stories or check out an excerpt on my substack today—also in stories 🎉)
#WhoYoureBecoming
There can be so much valid grief that comes from l There can be so much valid grief that comes from losing relationships while you heal.*
🍁 
But if you have to choose between keeping a relationship & keeping you—l hope you choose you.
🍁
God does not abandon you, & you don’t have to abandon yourself either. Selah. 
(As always, take what you need 🕯️)
#StayWithYourself #Fawning #TrySofter #Cptsd #narcissticabuse 
🍁
Need more resources & insight? You can pre-order my newest offering, “Stay With Yourself,” that addresses exactly these issues (link in profile).
🍁
*For example, from setting healthy boundaries, advocating for yourself, or being unwilling to participate in toxic dynamics.
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 Boundaries | embodied boundaries | interpersonal trauma | relationships | self compassion | integrating faith and mental health
Importantly, we don’t regulate to bypass valid emo Importantly, we don’t regulate to bypass valid emotions around injustice or harm一but rather so we can access the clarity to live in alignment even amidst intensity.
🌿 
And so may you find Ground that holds you steady.
#StayWithYourself #StronglikeWater #TrySofter #regulation #LoveYourNeighborASYourself
May your healing come. 🪴🫶🏻✨ #StayWithYourself #Try May your healing come. 🪴🫶🏻✨
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #HealAnyway #TakeWhatYouNee
.

Fawn | trauma | trauma resolution | cPTSD | religious trauma | nervous system | attachment trauma | complex trauma | grief | faith and mental health | self compassion | compassionate attention
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