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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

January 5, 2016 ·

My Life Giving Word of the Year

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Last January, for the first time ever, I chose a word as a theme. The word was notice.

Sort of a simple one, it seems. But for me, it was unbelievably refreshing. (You can read more about it here.) I’ve been grateful for this #OneWord prompt because it was a constant reminder. Instead of my instinct, which cries: “Work harder! Be more productive! Go quicker!” Notice was like an anchor, it simply whispered—be here. Pay attention. Look around; grace abounds right where you are.

And so I did.

At times, I fought to notice. Sometimes I would totally forget about it, but always it called me back. No pressure, Aundi, just notice the details. Don’t miss them, this is your life and it’s happening.

Am I done yet? As in, did this cure me of a heart that is perpetually leaning toward striving?

Not by a long shot.

I think I could have the word notice tattooed on my arm and it would still be helpful, but I think it’s served it’s purpose for now.

And so, we move on to 2016. With great hope and expectation we look forward to this new year. After many internal dialogues and prayer, here is where I stand: 

Celebrate.

You see, if last year was a call to stay in the moment, then this year is a call to see the goodness in the moments and to make much of them. It also strikes me as requiring incredible courage to celebrate when life is hard or scary or difficult.

And if I’m honest, 2015 had some very difficult moments. I’m certain 2016 will too.

But I have become unwilling to sacrifice the beauty of moments for potential pain that may or may not come.

It’s easy to do, isn’t it? Avoiding joy so we can also avoid pain. It’s so tempting to idolize safety and control over honoring a moment. And yet, I am continually brought back to the value of celebration. In my most clear moments, this is what comes to me: I don’t think I’ll ever regret my joy over something in my life, even if it’s temporary. 

Will I grieve, when and if it leaves? Surely. 

But my pain would not be lessened if I had not celebrated. It may even be greater, for I may have to live with the reality that I didn’t value the full extent of it’s goodness. 

And so this year, as we go about the daily rituals of life, as we drink, and eat, and play and sing– I hope to celebrate the glimmers of joy that are tucked into each and every day.

I hope to push against my nature which naturally waits for the tough things to happen and instead plant a flag in my field of uncertainty. On the flag, here’s what it reads:

This moment is valuable. Stay with it. Hunt for the beauty. Celebrate it big.  

***

How about you? Have you chosen a word for the year?

 

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Previous Post: « The Standouts: My Top 5 Posts of 2015
Next Post: A Letter to Those Who Wait {Guest Post for the Glorious Table} »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Kelly Ivey Johnson says

    January 5, 2016 at 3:03 pm

    Love this, my friend! Let me share a scripture I discovered yesterday that fits beautifully with your word. I was reading the first chapter of Ephesians and playing with the different translations. In The Message translation, in verse 6, it says this in talking about God’s decision to make us His own: "He wanted us to enter into the celebration of His lavish gift-giving by the hand of His beloved Son."

    I haven’t been able to get the words "celebration of His lavish gift-giving" out of my mind ever since! And then this today. Anyway, I’m grateful for your words and happy to join you in this celebration!

    • Andrea Kolber says

      January 7, 2016 at 3:15 pm

      What a timely scripture, Kelly! Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I will tuck it into my heart this year as I lean into celebration. Grateful for you!

  2. Andrea Kolber says

    January 7, 2016 at 3:15 pm

    What a timely scripture, Kelly! Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I will tuck it into my heart this year as I lean into celebration. Grateful for you!

  3. Kelly Smith says

    January 14, 2016 at 11:11 am

    I really, really love this! This line here: "But my pain would not be lessened if I had not celebrated. It may even be greater, for I may have to live with the reality that I didn’t value the full extent of its goodness." I read this post several days ago and this concept stuck with me. Celebrating all of the moments, even the short-lived ones, is a beautiful offering of gratitude. Thank you for sharing your wisdom! And thank you for linking up! #FridayFive

    • Andrea Kolber says

      January 17, 2016 at 10:14 pm

      Thank you so much for hosting and for stopping by!

When we don’t center survivors—it matters. It can When we don’t center survivors—it matters. It can change the trajectory of someone’s healing.
🌿
One of the reasons I emphasize offering as much agency as possible in places where I have influence (like writing, speaking, & therapy), is because experiences of powerlessness are a core component of trauma,* and so often, people are re-traumatized when they try to get help and heal. 
🌿
And yet, we cannot heal a wound the way it was created. Where agency was stolen or taken, it must be returned & restored for there to be repair.
🌿
Centering survivors matters. And healing must take a different path than harm. May it be so. #StayWithYourself 
.

*Including but not limited to developmental, spiritual, relational, sexual, medical, racial, and more
#trysofter #cptsd #stronglikewater #healanyway
Sending all my love to trauma survivors today. Tak Sending all my love to trauma survivors today. Take extra care. And as my friend @sarahcarterwest says, I’m keeping my candle lit with you.🕯️❤️‍🩹
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #selfcompassion #loveyourneighborASYourself #cptsd
This particular lament has been on the tip of my l This particular lament has been on the tip of my lips for months now, but as news like the Cornell 7 & profound allegations of abuse are uncovered in Christian spaces—I wanted to write and share it now. #StayWithYourself #TrySofter #PrayersOfATraumaSurvivor 
.
(Dedicated to Jane Doe, and each person who has been harmed by institution betrayal).
.
**Dr. Jennifer Freyd coined the term institutional betrayal and it is when “a trusted organization or system harms an individual who depends on it, or fails to prevent and properly respond to wrongdoings committed within its context.” She notes the opposite of institutional betrayal is institutional courage.** 
.
Selah.
For all the times you’ve shamed yourself, thinking For all the times you’ve shamed yourself, thinking it would somehow heal you, I see you. 
🌿
May compassion be your portion. 🙏
(As always, take what you need)
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #TakeWhatYouNeed #Beloved
I still can’t believe all the love from my announc I still can’t believe all the love from my announcement of “Stay With Yourself.” 😭🕯️Thank you, thank you, thank you. What an absolute honor. Truly.
🌿
As your week ends, I wonder if any of these resonate? As always, take what you need.🫶🏻 #StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #fawning #cptsd 
(You can pre-order “Stay With Yourself” wherever books are sold. Links in my profile 📕)
Eeeeeee! I am SO excited to finally share my newes Eeeeeee! I am SO excited to finally share my newest offering, this work of my heart: 
“Stay With Yourself: A Soft & Fierce Invitation to Unlearn Pleasing, Performing, & Keeping the Peace—And Live From Your Truest, God-Given Center”(releasing March, 9th, 2027🎉)
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Whew, this book has been a long time coming. I first wrote about fawning & how we brilliantly survive relational trauma by leaving ourselves (especially by overaccomodating, self abandonment, appeasing, and keeping the peace) back in “Try Softer” (2020). The truth is though, I always knew there was more for me to say. Because fawning is often the engine for so much suffering for relational trauma survivors—and in truth, so much of my own suffering; I knew there would come a time I would write this very book. I wasn’t ready then, but I’m ready now. 
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And so, this is a book about how elemental our relationships are, at every stage, but especially in childhood—and what happens when we have to leave ourselves to survive.
🌿
This is a book about the way fawning keeps us alive (thank God) & connected to relationships that we perceive are necessary for our survival, but can come to feel like suffocating chains if we don’t have enough safety to unlearn it.
🌿
This is a book about how regularly Christian spaces conflate the fawn survival response of overaccomodating, self-abandonment, & appeasement for Jesus’ call toward healthy generosity and self-giving. It’s also about the ways this misunderstanding is often purposely weaponized to facilitate compliance & silence, especially from the most vulnerable. 
🌿
This is a book about what happens when we don’t have access to the solidness and truth of who God made us to be; our Self. It’s about the ways it changes the very essence of our internal organization, our ability to heal, & how we show up in the world.
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Ultimately, this is also a loveletter—about what it means to build the capacity to do something different; to finally feel the healthy anger, grief, & clarity we must feel to live in alignment—and stay with our God-given selves {I would be so honored if you would consider pre-ordering! You can find the link in my profile and in stories 🕯️🕯️🕯️}
Fawning is a relational trauma response to relatio Fawning is a relational trauma response to relational trauma. It requires us to lose ourselves, so we don’t lose relationships that are essential for our safety and survival. 
.
And because this trauma deeply ruptures our relationship to ourselves; our own body — the healing must always include and repair how we relate to ourselves, too.
May it be so.
🌿
(p.s. I have a huge announcement related to this coming out next week, if you’re not subscribed to my email list, I’d love to have you!)🌿 (link in stories or at substack.com/@aundikolber)
#fawning #cptsd #trysofter #stronglikewater
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