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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

February 17, 2016 ·

In the Meantime: Thoughts on Grieving Well

Uncategorized

I heard someone say once, “To be human is to grieve.” I couldn’t agree more.

Our family has recently gone through a season of grief and it reminds me again why I love educating people about emotional health, trauma, and pain. 

This recent experience brought these thoughts to mind, and really, they’re for all of us. 

Enjoy.


In the meantime, while you lick your wounds, I hope you’ll be gentle with your heart.

I hope you’ll tell the voice in your head—the loud, booming, accusing voice—to leave. Or at least be quiet.

I hope you’ll seek out people who love you well.

I hope you give yourself some radical self love; the kind you wish to receive from others, but sometimes need to give yourself.

I hope you’ll pass on commitments that are too big right now, and focus on the next right thing. 

I hope you’ll give yourself room to grieve. And when—not if—the big tears come, I hope you’ll bring compassion as you observe your pain.

I hope you’ll give yourself permission to say ‘no’ and take space from people who don’t get it.

I hope when you’re tempted to find an easy fix; instead you’ll lean into your resources, and your people, and your God so they may give you the courage and strength to keep going.

I hope instead of condemnation for your pain, you’ll feel freedom to feel all the feelings.  

I hope you allow the pain to move through you instead of become stuck in your soul. And as you do, I pray you notice the tingling of change and courage and acceptance start to plant their seeds.  

I hope at some point you take stock of your progress. And when you do, I pray you feel proud of the road you’ve walked. 

I hope you begin to see your wounds turn into battle scars. And when they turn, I hope you wear it like a badge of honor, proving you are still here—you’re still walking.

***

In the meantime, I hope you feel loved. 

I hope you feel seen.

I hope you can allow other folks to carry you for a bit, until you feel strong enough to walk again.

I hope you experience the tangible comfort of Jesus—the ultimate wounded healer. The one who used and uses his scars to heal us.

And dear one, when the meantime is over, I hope you heal and become even more certain of your beloved-ness and value. 

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Previous Post: « In Defense of Self Care: What It Is and Why It Matters {Guest Post for The Glorious Table}
Next Post: Settling for Safety: When Risk Is Worthwhile »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Kelly Ivey Johnson says

    February 17, 2016 at 10:43 pm

    So beautiful, so profound. Healing found here. Keep writing, sister!

    • Andrea Kolber says

      March 11, 2016 at 3:07 am

      Thank you, sweet friend!

  2. Danielle Hull says

    February 19, 2016 at 11:03 pm

    Words expressed that I have felt in my own heart, but never could find the words to express from my own lips. Thank you.

    • Andrea Kolber says

      March 11, 2016 at 3:07 am

      I’m so grateful to help you find a voice for these sentiments. Thanks for reading!

  3. Laura Karr says

    January 2, 2019 at 12:30 am

    What people, resources, or training would you recommend for someone wanting to be a trauma therapist (besides degree and license). What influences have shaped you and your writing?

    • Andrea Kolber says

      January 3, 2019 at 4:05 pm

      Hi Laura! Thanks so much for reading. After basic licensure, I would recommend getting trained in Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), learning about interpersonal neurobiology (Dan Siegel, Curt Thompson), learning about Polyvagal Theory (Stephen Porges), and learning and becoming training in body centered therapies such as Somatic Experiencing or other Somatic therapies (Peter Levine, Pat Ogden). I hope that helps–I’m so glad you’ve connected on here. Take care.

It’s really hard to experience God as safe when yo It’s really hard to experience God as safe when you’re taught theology that defends abusers and abandons the abused.
🌿
May there be a repair for every untruth that has facilitated your harm.
🌿
May your healing come. 🙏
(As always take what you need). #StayWithYourself 
#TrySofter #LoveYourNeighborASYourself #religioustrauma survivor-centered trauma-informed
Being able to name our experience is so helpful & Being able to name our experience is so helpful & important, but with the fawn response—it can start to feel suffocating to know about what we’re experiencing and feel like we can’t change it. 
.
And yet, we can learn to work “with” our fawn response; living from our Center instead of survival. #staywithyourself #trysofter #stronglikewater #cptsd
If it resonates, it’s for you. May you have what y If it resonates, it’s for you. May you have what you need to stay with yourself.🕯️#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #LoveyourneighborASYourself #StronglikeWater #TakeWhatYouNeed
.
Fawn, fawn response, cPTSD, healing, nervous system, religious trauma, attachment trauma, alignment, faith and mental health
A huge congrats to my dear friend, @chuckdegroat o A huge congrats to my dear friend, @chuckdegroat on the release of his newest offering, “Who You’re Becoming: The Slow and Courageous Work of Cultivating Character in a Narcissistic Age.” This is a phenomenally timely book, written by someone who works to embody what he writes. I was honored to endorse it. Here’s what I said:
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“In the midst of our unmoored, image obsessed culture, Dr. Chuck DeGroat offers us the grounding wisdom we so often forget: God is with us as we become ourselves. With kindness and deft insight, DeGroat leads us through the practical, courageous, and often slow work required to cultivate maturity and true character. In so doing, Who You’re Becoming serves as a powerful and needed guide for anyone wanting to go beyond a try-hard faith or mere surface level change—so they can deepen into their truest, beloved selves.”
Aundi Kolber MA, LPC
Therapist & Author of Try Softer and Strong like Water
.
Congrats, Chuck! You can find “Who You’re Becoming” wherever books are sold (link in stories or check out an excerpt on my substack today—also in stories 🎉)
#WhoYoureBecoming
There can be so much valid grief that comes from l There can be so much valid grief that comes from losing relationships while you heal.*
🍁 
But if you have to choose between keeping a relationship & keeping you—l hope you choose you.
🍁
God does not abandon you, & you don’t have to abandon yourself either. Selah. 
(As always, take what you need 🕯️)
#StayWithYourself #Fawning #TrySofter #Cptsd #narcissticabuse 
🍁
Need more resources & insight? You can pre-order my newest offering, “Stay With Yourself,” that addresses exactly these issues (link in profile).
🍁
*For example, from setting healthy boundaries, advocating for yourself, or being unwilling to participate in toxic dynamics.
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 Boundaries | embodied boundaries | interpersonal trauma | relationships | self compassion | integrating faith and mental health
Importantly, we don’t regulate to bypass valid emo Importantly, we don’t regulate to bypass valid emotions around injustice or harm一but rather so we can access the clarity to live in alignment even amidst intensity.
🌿 
And so may you find Ground that holds you steady.
#StayWithYourself #StronglikeWater #TrySofter #regulation #LoveYourNeighborASYourself
May your healing come. 🪴🫶🏻✨ #StayWithYourself #Try May your healing come. 🪴🫶🏻✨
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #HealAnyway #TakeWhatYouNee
.

Fawn | trauma | trauma resolution | cPTSD | religious trauma | nervous system | attachment trauma | complex trauma | grief | faith and mental health | self compassion | compassionate attention
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