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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

February 17, 2016 ·

In the Meantime: Thoughts on Grieving Well

Uncategorized

I heard someone say once, “To be human is to grieve.” I couldn’t agree more.

Our family has recently gone through a season of grief and it reminds me again why I love educating people about emotional health, trauma, and pain. 

This recent experience brought these thoughts to mind, and really, they’re for all of us. 

Enjoy.


In the meantime, while you lick your wounds, I hope you’ll be gentle with your heart.

I hope you’ll tell the voice in your head—the loud, booming, accusing voice—to leave. Or at least be quiet.

I hope you’ll seek out people who love you well.

I hope you give yourself some radical self love; the kind you wish to receive from others, but sometimes need to give yourself.

I hope you’ll pass on commitments that are too big right now, and focus on the next right thing. 

I hope you’ll give yourself room to grieve. And when—not if—the big tears come, I hope you’ll bring compassion as you observe your pain.

I hope you’ll give yourself permission to say ‘no’ and take space from people who don’t get it.

I hope when you’re tempted to find an easy fix; instead you’ll lean into your resources, and your people, and your God so they may give you the courage and strength to keep going.

I hope instead of condemnation for your pain, you’ll feel freedom to feel all the feelings.  

I hope you allow the pain to move through you instead of become stuck in your soul. And as you do, I pray you notice the tingling of change and courage and acceptance start to plant their seeds.  

I hope at some point you take stock of your progress. And when you do, I pray you feel proud of the road you’ve walked. 

I hope you begin to see your wounds turn into battle scars. And when they turn, I hope you wear it like a badge of honor, proving you are still here—you’re still walking.

***

In the meantime, I hope you feel loved. 

I hope you feel seen.

I hope you can allow other folks to carry you for a bit, until you feel strong enough to walk again.

I hope you experience the tangible comfort of Jesus—the ultimate wounded healer. The one who used and uses his scars to heal us.

And dear one, when the meantime is over, I hope you heal and become even more certain of your beloved-ness and value. 

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Previous Post: « In Defense of Self Care: What It Is and Why It Matters {Guest Post for The Glorious Table}
Next Post: Settling for Safety: When Risk Is Worthwhile »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Kelly Ivey Johnson says

    February 17, 2016 at 10:43 pm

    So beautiful, so profound. Healing found here. Keep writing, sister!

    • Andrea Kolber says

      March 11, 2016 at 3:07 am

      Thank you, sweet friend!

  2. Danielle Hull says

    February 19, 2016 at 11:03 pm

    Words expressed that I have felt in my own heart, but never could find the words to express from my own lips. Thank you.

    • Andrea Kolber says

      March 11, 2016 at 3:07 am

      I’m so grateful to help you find a voice for these sentiments. Thanks for reading!

  3. Laura Karr says

    January 2, 2019 at 12:30 am

    What people, resources, or training would you recommend for someone wanting to be a trauma therapist (besides degree and license). What influences have shaped you and your writing?

    • Andrea Kolber says

      January 3, 2019 at 4:05 pm

      Hi Laura! Thanks so much for reading. After basic licensure, I would recommend getting trained in Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), learning about interpersonal neurobiology (Dan Siegel, Curt Thompson), learning about Polyvagal Theory (Stephen Porges), and learning and becoming training in body centered therapies such as Somatic Experiencing or other Somatic therapies (Peter Levine, Pat Ogden). I hope that helps–I’m so glad you’ve connected on here. Take care.

When we don’t center survivors—it matters. It can When we don’t center survivors—it matters. It can change the trajectory of someone’s healing.
🌿
One of the reasons I emphasize offering as much agency as possible in places where I have influence (like writing, speaking, & therapy), is because experiences of powerlessness are a core component of trauma,* and so often, people are re-traumatized when they try to get help and heal. 
🌿
And yet, we cannot heal a wound the way it was created. Where agency was stolen or taken, it must be returned & restored for there to be repair.
🌿
Centering survivors matters. And healing must take a different path than harm. May it be so. #StayWithYourself 
.

*Including but not limited to developmental, spiritual, relational, sexual, medical, racial, and more
#trysofter #cptsd #stronglikewater #healanyway
Sending all my love to trauma survivors today. Tak Sending all my love to trauma survivors today. Take extra care. And as my friend @sarahcarterwest says, I’m keeping my candle lit with you.🕯️❤️‍🩹
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #selfcompassion #loveyourneighborASYourself #cptsd
This particular lament has been on the tip of my l This particular lament has been on the tip of my lips for months now, but as news like the Cornell 7 & profound allegations of abuse are uncovered in Christian spaces—I wanted to write and share it now. #StayWithYourself #TrySofter #PrayersOfATraumaSurvivor 
.
(Dedicated to Jane Doe, and each person who has been harmed by institution betrayal).
.
**Dr. Jennifer Freyd coined the term institutional betrayal and it is when “a trusted organization or system harms an individual who depends on it, or fails to prevent and properly respond to wrongdoings committed within its context.” She notes the opposite of institutional betrayal is institutional courage.** 
.
Selah.
For all the times you’ve shamed yourself, thinking For all the times you’ve shamed yourself, thinking it would somehow heal you, I see you. 
🌿
May compassion be your portion. 🙏
(As always, take what you need)
#StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #TakeWhatYouNeed #Beloved
I still can’t believe all the love from my announc I still can’t believe all the love from my announcement of “Stay With Yourself.” 😭🕯️Thank you, thank you, thank you. What an absolute honor. Truly.
🌿
As your week ends, I wonder if any of these resonate? As always, take what you need.🫶🏻 #StayWithYourself #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #fawning #cptsd 
(You can pre-order “Stay With Yourself” wherever books are sold. Links in my profile 📕)
Eeeeeee! I am SO excited to finally share my newes Eeeeeee! I am SO excited to finally share my newest offering, this work of my heart: 
“Stay With Yourself: A Soft & Fierce Invitation to Unlearn Pleasing, Performing, & Keeping the Peace—And Live From Your Truest, God-Given Center”(releasing March, 9th, 2027🎉)
🌿
Whew, this book has been a long time coming. I first wrote about fawning & how we brilliantly survive relational trauma by leaving ourselves (especially by overaccomodating, self abandonment, appeasing, and keeping the peace) back in “Try Softer” (2020). The truth is though, I always knew there was more for me to say. Because fawning is often the engine for so much suffering for relational trauma survivors—and in truth, so much of my own suffering; I knew there would come a time I would write this very book. I wasn’t ready then, but I’m ready now. 
🌿
And so, this is a book about how elemental our relationships are, at every stage, but especially in childhood—and what happens when we have to leave ourselves to survive.
🌿
This is a book about the way fawning keeps us alive (thank God) & connected to relationships that we perceive are necessary for our survival, but can come to feel like suffocating chains if we don’t have enough safety to unlearn it.
🌿
This is a book about how regularly Christian spaces conflate the fawn survival response of overaccomodating, self-abandonment, & appeasement for Jesus’ call toward healthy generosity and self-giving. It’s also about the ways this misunderstanding is often purposely weaponized to facilitate compliance & silence, especially from the most vulnerable. 
🌿
This is a book about what happens when we don’t have access to the solidness and truth of who God made us to be; our Self. It’s about the ways it changes the very essence of our internal organization, our ability to heal, & how we show up in the world.
🌿
Ultimately, this is also a loveletter—about what it means to build the capacity to do something different; to finally feel the healthy anger, grief, & clarity we must feel to live in alignment—and stay with our God-given selves {I would be so honored if you would consider pre-ordering! You can find the link in my profile and in stories 🕯️🕯️🕯️}
Fawning is a relational trauma response to relatio Fawning is a relational trauma response to relational trauma. It requires us to lose ourselves, so we don’t lose relationships that are essential for our safety and survival. 
.
And because this trauma deeply ruptures our relationship to ourselves; our own body — the healing must always include and repair how we relate to ourselves, too.
May it be so.
🌿
(p.s. I have a huge announcement related to this coming out next week, if you’re not subscribed to my email list, I’d love to have you!)🌿 (link in stories or at substack.com/@aundikolber)
#fawning #cptsd #trysofter #stronglikewater
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