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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

August 29, 2016 ·

When the Hustle Can’t Make You Whole

Uncategorized

“More love, less hustle.” -Shauna Niequist 

I remember feeling the pressure in my head and my chest—it was the absolute certainty, that unless I proved myself I would be left in the dust of other students. I wanted badly to show I was smart and capable but as I sat in the tiny, stuffy room taking my LSATs—I had never felt more unworthy. Later I found my score was nowhere near my goal and the shame only mounted. It took years before I could understand the prison I was living in.

I took the LSATs in another lifetime when I thought I wanted to be a lawyer, but in a way it’s a microcosm of my whole story. I wanted the prestige of law because I thought it would prove I knew how to hustle, how to be enough. Now, 11 years later, I see the truth with striking clarity: I was willing to sacrifice my identity and career path for the rickety belief that I could prove my value through actions.

Still, after years of growth and therapy and mentorship, there are tiny reminders of this way of thinking which creep into my life.

It’s the feeling of responsibility for a problem not mine to solve.

It’s the belief that no matter how much money, status, or security I acquire, it will never be enough.

It’s the constant temptation to use my anxiety to do more, be more, or want more.

So when I say hustle, I don’t mean it like back in my basketball days when hustle simply meant I brought every piece of my available self on a particular day and left what I had on the floor.

No, what I mean here is the constant, never ending, mind numbing, cycle of busyness. It’s our over scheduled, over stimulated, achievement-based lifestyles we simultaneously love and hate.

This, my dear reader, this is the hustle. And you could use different words for it. You could call it the rat race or striving or scarcity. But—don’t miss this— no matter what we call it, this way of life leaves us feeling dry, empty, and unfulfilled. Even worse, the perceived value we gain from these endeavors fades quickly. 

So what’s the difference you might say? What’s the difference between working hard and hustling? Isn’t it Biblical to be a hard worker?

First, yes, living our lives excellently is absolutely a delight to our creator when it comes from a place of authentic worship (Colossians 3:23). But there is a difference between living well and desperation to be enough.

I would submit to you the difference between work and hustle comes from our perspective of ourselves and God. A right view of both will lead us to a right view of work.

And what is this right view? It’s grounded in the belief that we are the workmanship of the God of the universe (Ephesians 2:10), his very image walking around (Genesis 1:27)— known and chosen even before we were formed in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139). We can’t earn this identity, dear ones. It’s given to us. 

Further, our work and efforts do not generate our value. Instead, we produce and take risks and love and live because it’s what we are created for; there’s no need to prove anything. When we are so secure in how God made us—we go into this world living it out and usually in that process we fail but we also make beautiful, good, meaningful things too. 

Our identity as God’s beloved is where our value and worthiness come from; the nuts and bolts of it you might say. And so if we are struggling to own our worthiness, rather than spending our efforts to show we are worthy, what would it look like to use our efforts to press into the one who makes us worthy?

This sometimes can be done individually but often it’s done with mentors, counselors, and healthy community. Sometimes we desperately want to know how to grab hold of this identity but we need others along side us, slowly and gently loving us before we can love ourselves. This is where we begin to internalize the truth of who we are. 

The hustle will always leave us wanting if it’s what we’re asking to make us whole. So let’s call it what it is, shall we? Let’s name our wounded-ness and our longing to be called known first, and see where he leads.

It might be a windy road but I promise if you’re following the creator of your soul—it’ll be worth it. 

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Stacey Philpot says

    August 29, 2016 at 12:10 pm

    Aundi, I want to take a highlighter out and go to town on this. It’s rich with deep wisdom and practical tools.
    It’s a kick in the pants a call to action and a gentle hug all in one. Brilliantly done.

    • Andrea Kolber says

      August 29, 2016 at 5:11 pm

      Thank you so much, Stacey. I am beyond honored by your words. Grateful for you!

  2. Pam Ecrement says

    August 29, 2016 at 7:28 pm

    So very well said and true! I think if we are honest, when we are honest, we all have a similar story of a season of our lives that we must confess this is true for us. It seems to take awhile for us to come to the deeper reality of our identity in Christ and who He has created me/you/each of us to be and to delight in that calling! Great post! Thanks!

    • Andrea Kolber says

      August 31, 2016 at 7:22 pm

      Thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement, Pam!

May you find the way home.🙏 #trysofter #takewhatyo May you find the way home.🙏 #trysofter #takewhatyouneed #fawn #cptsd #stronglikewater 
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*This pattern can also occur with other types of relational trauma. However, it tends to be especially pertinent for survivors of childhood trauma due to the power differential of children with adults and the way kids often adapt by using hyper vigilance, over accommodation, over functioning, and/or fawning to navigate these environments.
Take What You Need // However this weekend finds y Take What You Need // However this weekend finds you, I hope you feel loved. 🫶🏻 #MothersDay #TrySofter #Cptsd #infertility #beloved
Learning to believe your own experience is a vital Learning to believe your own experience is a vital part of healing from relational trauma, especially experiences like narcissistic abuse. For survivors, it’s often been safer to discount your internal world than it is to believe yourself. And this makes sense, because we were wired for connection. But connection was never meant to be a weapon and it’s only when we start to be grounded in reality that we can untangle love or friendship from harm. 
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As we begin to have to have capacity to honor the truth of our experience, we develop the inner trust to live more and more in alignment. May it be so.
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If it feels like a resource, this practice is for you. #takewhatyouneed #trysofter #stronglikewater #beloved #cptsd
Well, I don’t know how your week is ending (ahem, Well, I don’t know how your week is ending (ahem, greetings to you Maycemeber); but I have found myself full up. I have been full with a whole bunch of goodness; good work, but also intensity. Projects and commitments that require a me that is grounded, resourced, & clear. It’s often in those times that I especially remember we are invited to do the gentle & fierce work of keeping our eyes out for goodness. Even the smallest bits matter. What a paradox; its goodness & beauty & connection that help fuel us to meet the difficult demands of being a human. And particularly as a trauma survivor, I am reminded that I, that each of us, get to participate in our own repair. What sacred work. 
🌿
If it feels like a resource, I’ll leave you with this:
🌿
May mercy and goodness ground you in your body, your relationships, and in your place. Made the co-regulating love of the God of the universe be in, above, and around you. May it lead you Home again + again.
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Thank you to @benrector for a fabulous concert. Grateful for my writing pal @ashlee_eiland & her amazing staff at Living Stones for being a wonderful & attentive audience today. Big love & gratitude to a husband (@bckolber) + kiddos who light up with joy alongside me, and thank you to @stewartdantec for sharing the fabulous James Baldwin quote.
Hand over heart // There’s no shame in surviving p Hand over heart // There’s no shame in surviving pain. Coming to honor the truth of our experience is not an indication of our weakness but a move toward deeper integration.🕯️
Sending love. #trysofter #fawn #beloved #stronglikewater #cptsd
Good morning 🌿 Take what you need.🙏 . Inhale: My Good morning 🌿 
Take what you need.🙏
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Inhale: My work is not to prove myself
Exhale: It’s to be myself 
#beloved #trysofter #compassionateattention #stronglikewater #takewhatyouneed
For you, if you need it. 🫶🏻 #trysofter #lovenotest For you, if you need it. 🫶🏻
#trysofter #lovenotestomynervoussystem #stronglikewater #selfcompassion #takewhatyouneed
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