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Aundi Kolber

Aundi Kolber

September 13, 2016 ·

Defined by Our Focus {Not Our Lack}

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“The car goes where the eyes go.” -Garth Stein

Every once in awhile, I read a book and the words stick with me long after.  “The Art of Racing In the Rain” by Garth Stein was one of those books and the quote above is from that literary gem. If you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor and check it out.

The context of the above quote is regarding driving a race car and understanding that on a track, where a car goes at a ridiculously fast speed, the driver’s eyes will cause the car to go wherever their focus is. So if the driver’s eyes are on the guard rail they’ll probably crash there, but if they are on the next piece of track, then that’s where the car will go.

Guess which focus tends to be most helpful?

I often use the above analogy with clients and even in my own life, because the application of this principle goes far beyond the race track and keeping a car moving toward the best target. I believe there is much truth for us today.

We live in a fast paced, intense world where it is often easier to define yourself by who you are not, than who you actually are.

It takes work to find out what piece of “race track” you should be focusing on. There is often more support to model what NOT to do, than the inverse. 

Does this sound familiar? 

I am not that kind of person.

We are not that kind of family.

We are not that kind of church.

We are not that kind of country.

So who am I? Who are we?

This is not an easy question to answer. We don’t necessarily wake up one day and recognize exactly what is behind these questions or the answer to them. 

But here is what I do know: it is not effective to focus on what we are running away from in order to change who we are. 

So how do we move on from this? I believe one of the most essential lessons from this simple concept is to quiet our soul and search out what is/could be our focus.

And, oh, is it worth it.

It’s in this quiet place our Creator speaks to us and gives us the gift of purpose, belonging, and hope. I love how the author of Hebrews puts this idea of where to focus here: 

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith…”

— Hebrews 12:2a, NASB 

The author of Hebrews is modeling for us this very idea. He’s saying you’re defined by your focus, not your lack. We are now defined by who Jesus is, not who we aren’t. 

And while Jesus is the big idea of the above verse, ultimately there’s a trickle down effect for other principles in life as well. Meaning, it’s always helpful to focus on the actual goal rather than the possible pitfalls.

So wherever you are in your life today, I pray you would have the courage to look up from your fears and focus on your calling. 


Post updated from archives. 

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Comments

  1. Pam Ecrement says

    September 14, 2016 at 1:23 am

    How very true and written so very well! Thanks for sharing this. It fits well with some of what I have been posting in a current series. Have a blessed day!

    • Andrea Kolber says

      September 16, 2016 at 3:32 pm

      Hi Pam! Thanks so much for your encouragement! I’ve enjoyed reading your blog too!

  2. Bethany Donham says

    September 14, 2016 at 1:47 pm

    This is so good I’ve read it twice! Thanks so much for sharing and for the very important reminder to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.

    • Andrea Kolber says

      September 16, 2016 at 3:31 pm

      Thank you for your kind words and for reading, Bethany!

Hello, my dears…it has been a long while since I Hello, my dears…it has been a long while since I’ve been here and I’m peeking my head in to say hi. I’ve been taking some extended time off of social media and it’s has been helpful, needed, and clarifying—though I miss connecting with you all here.
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A few months ago, I shared that I’m troubled by much of IG’s current framework (more on that in stories.) Sooo I’m working to change how I show up here and I think some of that will mean that parts of my public work will be other places. I don’t have all of it figured out yet, but I hope you’ll stay tuned and I will be sure to share more as I have it available. Either way, thanks for being here. I hope you’re taking care of yourself, using your voice and influence in the ways that you’re able. May we all have what we need to heal anyway. 🫶🏻
#TrySofter #TakeWhatYouNeed #HealAnyway #StronglikeWater
Thinking about this as we end the week: It can be Thinking about this as we end the week: It can be so disorienting and disturbing when you’ve experienced abuse or oppression that is targeted at making you question your reality.
🌿
So frequently in this kind of situation we learn to mistrust ourselves as a way to make sense of what is happening; even if our perceptions are indeed accurate. 
🌿
Often, at least part of the repair to this kind of experience starts with being fully seen & validated in the presence of someone else’s compassionate, attuned attention. This safety allows us to rebuild our internal templates— at whatever pace we’re able—so that we can ultimately come to believe ourselves (again or for the first time) & and live more and more from our true God-given self. #TrySofter #StronglikeWater #TakeWhatYouNeed
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Need more resources + insight? Follow along at @aundikolber or check out my books, “Try Softer,” “Strong like Water,” and “Take What You Need” (links in profile 💛)
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*alt text in post*
Today is Ash Wednesday in the Christian tradition, Today is Ash Wednesday in the Christian tradition, and though there are many different significant insights from this day and the whole Lenten season—one important element I’m thinking about today is this: 
We are not machines. 
We are not objects. 
We are not check lists.
We are not commodities. 
We are not projects. 
We are not drive through windows.
We are not trash receptacles. 
We are fragile, resilient, and oh, so, Beloved humans that will someday be dust. But even then, we will be sacred dust.
🌿
In a time where dehumanizing rhetoric seems to rule the day, particularly towards those who have already been the most marginalized—may our finite humanity be an invitation to remember how we want to live & move in the world. #TrySofter #CompassionateAttention #StronglikeWater #TakeWhatYouNeed #LoveYourNeighborASYourself
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*alt text included in post*
So much of trauma takes away choice, and so it mat So much of trauma takes away choice, and so it matters deeply that the language we use in healing reflects empowerment and repair.
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Through the years, I have worked to find words that help translate an invitational, survivor centered, trauma informed ethos into language. I am certainly not perfect, and in many ways that’s the point, isn’t it? All of us are in process and I think that—as we are able—staying connected to that humility allows us to stay open to growing & working toward loving our neighbor *as* ourselves.
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Tonight I was thinking about the many phrases that have reminded me of this open posture—and I was inspired to write down a few. (I have loved seeing this poetry format floating around the internet—kuddos to the originator 🙏🏻)
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📙Needing more resources & insight? I’d be honored if you check out my newest offering that released just two weeks ago: “Take What You Need: Soft Words for Hard Days” (link in profile 🌻) #TakeWhatYouNeed #TrySofter #StronglikeWater
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*Alt text included in post*
Today is my 42nd birthday—and I’ll tell you wh Today is my 42nd birthday—and I’ll tell you what, I feel deeply grateful to be alive. What a privilege it is to grow older. This last year was hard in ways I haven’t been able to fully share, but I think someday I will. But here’s what I noticed in myself this last year: more so than ever before I have learned to trust the voice God has given me & the wisdom placed within me.
🌿
A significant portion of the trauma & particularly narcissistic abuse I experienced in my life has been targeted at causing me to disbelieve my own reality, experience, strength, and integrity. It caused me so much suffering not to know if I could believe myself. It has been the hardest work of my life to choose—again and again—to be on my own damn team. To know God is already waiting for me to see how loved I am; to see the people who choose me; to see the Goodness already present around me; to embody what I have devoted my life to teaching, speaking, and writing about.
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Thank you for being here; my heart is full. #TrySofter #TakeWhatYouNeed #StronglikeWater #cptsd #narcissticabuse #healanyway
There will come a time when I’ll be ready to ful There will come a time when I’ll be ready to fully unpack the bittersweet goodness & honor of being back on the Oregon coast this last week. But for today, I sense my body & spirit need a bit more time to fully digest all that happened.
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In the meantime I’ll say this, the quote I shared from Francis Weller reminds me of what I felt for so much of my trip; the necessary partnership of grief & aliveness. They are inextricably linked and a vital part of our God given humanity. In so many respects healing will always involve grieving because it’s part of the mechanism that allows us to metabolize pain. Often I think of the verses that remind us that Jesus was acquainted with grief; a man of sorrows—and it heartens me in my own deep work and what Francis Weller calls an “apprenticeship with sorrow.” 
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Each of my siblings, my mom, and even my nieces and nephews have their own story, but all of us have had to walk our own journeys of grief, repair, and ultimately—gratefully—aliveness. I’m so proud of this little family of mine and thankful for these sweet moments where we’ve been able to both celebrate and grieve as we walk the path. And it’s not lost on me how much this kind of work matters, especially in a world that seeks to desensitize us to suffering and the humanity around us. May we each have what we need for our own “apprenticeship with sorrow,” because the world needs our aliveness. #TakeWhatYouNeed #TrySofter #StronglikeWater
If it feels like a resource, then I hope you take If it feels like a resource, then I hope you take what you need ✌🏻
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(I’m mostly offline this week as I’m in Oregon for a bit, visiting my family & my old stomping grounds. Grateful to be here 💛🌊) 
#TakeWhatYouNeed #TrySofter #StronglikeWater
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📔 Needing more resources & insight? Check out my newest offering: “Take What You Need: Soft Words for Hard Days”—a contemplative coffee table book designed to make my previous writings as accessible as possible (link in profile💛)
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IC: Your softness will always feel like a threat to folks who want your heart hard + half alive.
I hope you stay soft anyway.
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